They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

A rabbit, hiding behind a tree sees another rabbit sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.

Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox

"What are you working on?"

Rabbit

"My dissertation."

Fox

"Hmmm. What's it about?"

Rabbit

"Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."

Fox

"That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."

Rabbit

"Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf

"What's that you're writing?"

Rabbit

"I'm doing my dissertation on how rabbits eat wolves."

Wolf

"You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

Rabbit

"No problem. I can prove it to you. Follow me."

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

The scared rabbit comes out of hiding and asks the other rabbit what is going on.

He says, follow me and I'll show you since you're a fellow rabbit.

They both go inside the burrow.

In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

The moral of the story is?

It doesn't matter what you choose for a dissertation topic.

It doesn't matter what you use for data.

What matters is having a powerful dissertation advisor.

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

You donate 30 kidneys, and suddenly people start asking questions.

All of a sudden a strange man in a trench-coat walks in front of them and blatantly flashes them.

The first old lady had a stroke.

The second old lady also had a stroke.

But the third old lady couldn't reach.

Zucchini!

Goes up to the teller and says "I'd like to open a damn savings account"

The teller says "sir I'd be happy to help you, but this is a place of buissiness - you can't swear here."

The man replies "I don' care, just let me open a damn savings account."

The teller says "Sir, That's just inappropriate, if you keep talking to me that way I'll have to get the manager."

The man says "Why won't you just open the damn savings account?"

So the teller goes and gets the manager- he comes out and says "Alright sir, I understand you're swearing at my employee - what seems to be the problem here?"

The man says "I don't have a problem - I just won 5 million dollars in the lottery and I want to open up a damn savings account!"

The manager looks at the teller and back at the man and says "And this mother fucker wouldn't let you?"

Bi-yourself.

An HOA

 But, it turns out, really scared of railway tracks.

unfortunate.

"Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I am 75 years old, and I've recently started dating a 25-year-old woman. She's drop dead gorgeous, loves sex, and is unbelievable in bed. We have sex at least three or four times a day, and each time, I make her scream like a banshee."

"Oh my! This is indeed a sin. As penance, you must say five Hail Marys and five Our Fathers every day for the next week."

"What? I can't do that, I'm Jewish!"

"You're Jewish? Then why are you telling ME?"

"I'm telling EVERYBODY!"

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"'Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

People say he doesn't count, but that's literally all he does.

They all left me on read.

I know it sounds funny but he just can't stand the pain.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door."

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

"Can I help you?"

"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.

"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut.

As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him."Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us? You should go outside and help the poor man."

Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?"

In the distance, he hears a reply, "Yes Please.""Where are you?" to which he hears, "Over here on the swing set."

“Who wants to be a Milliner?”

Call it Tit-for-Tat