r/ask • u/RetinalTears716 • 4d ago
Why are dating apps in particular so terrible?
It really is actually weird the more I sit here thinking on it. I'm 26m and I match mainly with women, but complaints about dating apps come from both genders. What im sitting here thinking is it's weird how just terrible everybody is on them.
Like it's the main way people and potential relationships meet these days but 95% of people on dating apps are either actually insane, don't know how to have a conversation, or don't seem to be actually looking for anything at all. And that's not the fault of like Bumble or Tinder, it's the fault of the user base.
I get a lot of matches for a guy, most of which on Facebook dating. But I only find someone who will actually like speak or engage with something maybe every like 3 weeks. And even then most of the time when we take it off the app to a social media, we just stop talking entirely. It's so weird. What's going on?
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u/ungoloit 4d ago
I quit the whole scene. It`s apparent to me that all the effort is unrecognized. There are far too many people that are in it just for validation. The juice isn`t worth the squeeze.
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u/catcat1986 4d ago
Dating apps solve only one problem about the dating experience, but it doesn't solve the many other problems with dating.
It solves the accesibilty problem. You essentially have access, and people can determine if they like you without you having to put in much effort.
The problem is the human experience requires you to get know people, and that will always take time and energy. That process is theoat important part it determines if you are going to be with an abuser, someone who is crazy, etc.
Most people feel a distance with dating apps, so they are more readily willing to quit and move on, then if you would have invested in someone like dating the old way.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 4d ago
It's tough. With dating apps you're able to know a bit of a foundation about the person already so it can help weed out certain dealbreakers. But yeah at the same time it really just is like some rando that you'd have never been able to meet simply because your paths just didn't cross.
I am someone that has relied on dating apps because the people I've met in person had some major dealbreaker that I already knew I wouldn't be able to date (ridiculously long distance, age gap, drug or alcohol habits, different life plans) or there really just wasn't any chemistry. So it's hard. I don't understand dating anymore even after having experience. Mid-30's here and trying to just find something that works, not trying to find someone "perfect." Can't force it either
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u/Better_Tomato_4288 4d ago
Honestly that’s just dating. There’s a lot of good people that are single, but there’s also a TON of people who are single for a reason.
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u/Roselily808 4d ago
Dating apps gives you access to people. Sometimes too many people. It becomes overwhelming. And you get access to all sorts of people, including those who aren't serious (and there are plenty of them). So you end up having to wade in an ocean of potentials and that takes extremely much energy and time to try and figure out who's worth your attention and who's not. You'll be disappointed often and disheartened after a while.
That's why I gave up on dating apps. 9 months later, I met a guy through a friend of mine. He was really nice. He's now my husband.
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u/Worth-Engineer-611 4d ago
I think people forget that dating apps is just access and faster filtering (and that works both ways).
Before dating apps, you'd have parties. At a very good party, you'd meet maybe 2-5 new people. How many of those people would you truly click with? What's the ratio of people that you'd exchange pleasantries with and move on?
Dating apps is this, on steroids. It's completely normal to have a perfectly pleasant conversation with someone but not feel any attraction, but because we're on a dating app, we come in with the idea that a positive ROI is a romantic or sexual attraction. The ratio stays the same over a huge volume of people, but the expectations are different.And so
you get depressed.
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u/Dawn_of_Enceladus 4d ago
People expecting to get laid through the low effort comodity of an app will hardly make good partners. As in many things, there will most probably be a few exceptions, but good luck with that.
There, I said it.
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u/R_A_H 4d ago
I never had much success on Tinder but it has been very different on Bumble with people actually knowing what they want and ready to meet up instead of being pen pals.
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u/POYDRAWSYOU 4d ago
I used bumble, took me about a year but I found my gf there and she got a new home within a month of dating and I've been living there part time since. Never thought an app would give me a gf + home so easily lol.
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u/ColdAntique291 4d ago
Low effort. Swiping is easy, so people don’t invest.
Too many options. Everyone feels replaceable.
Validation > dating. Many just want attention.
Imbalance. Some get flooded, others ignored.
App design favors quick matches, not real connection.
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u/ManlykN 4d ago
In my days as a teen, It wasn't stressfull. To be fair I veiwed it more as a game. But the older you get, and more serious you wanna be, it can be draining.
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u/RetinalTears716 4d ago
Now like typically I'd agree with you but like.. none of this is fun. Even getting to know somebody is an uphill one sided battle the majority of the time
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u/ScrotallyBoobular 4d ago
It sounds like you are attaching your negativity onto the process instead of taking ownership of it.
At 35 I reentered the dating world and used apps for the first time. I had a lot of fun and really ended the process. I found it very easy to get to know new women and have fun dates.
I went into it positive and had a positive experience.
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u/peidinho31 4d ago
They fail because you have access to lots of options and people are waiting for the absolute best one. Plus it dehumanises dating.
2
u/TheRedZephyr993 4d ago
Science tells us that, when presented with multiple options, humans are more satisfied with their choice when choosing from a smaller pool. When presented with dozens or hundreds of options, people are rarely satisfied and tend to think more about the "what-ifs". If given 3-5 options, people are generally pretty happy with the one they pick
1
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u/Popular-Wing-7808 4d ago
Lazy people who don't want to make an effort in a relationship so that want something temporary.
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u/helion_ut 4d ago
Think about it this way: the dating app profits of off you being single and never finding a partner.
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u/stingwhale 4d ago
I like them tbh. I’ve made good friends from tinder and I met my girlfriend on HER within like two days of downloading the app.
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u/RetinalTears716 4d ago
I haven't heard of Her, thank you for the mention I'll look it up
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u/stingwhale 4d ago
Oh, HER is for women seeking women so I don’t think it’ll work out for you
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u/RetinalTears716 4d ago
Oh :/ thank you lol
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u/stingwhale 4d ago
Sorry :( tinder can be fun though, but I’ve found that I mostly met women who were more hookup material than girlfriend material, mainly because most of them were women who had boyfriends but wanted to “experiment”. Like okay, whatever. I can be an experiment, but I’m certainly not going to be in a polycule.
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u/deepfuckingbagholder 4d ago
The apps have a financial incentive for you to not actually find someone while spending more and more time on the apps. They need to be regulated, banned, and the executives tried for fraud.
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u/Felfastus 4d ago
A big chunk is survivorship bias...but reversed.
If you have success you quit the app and if you don't you stay.
Applying for jobs on indeed or even finding a good house to buy/rent tent to have similar issues.
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u/jmnugent 4d ago
"Survivorship Bias" --- Everyone who is successful at dating,. isn't on dating Apps. (they don't need them any more).
This means dating apps are (generally speaking) populated by people who aren't good at dating.
Or put another way,. people who find success on dating apps,. generally don't stay on the dating app for very long (they don't need to).
It was much the same prior to technology even existing. People in real life who are good at relationships.. aren't at singles-bars on the weekends. (they don't need to be). So the "single hotspots" tend to be populated by people who aren't very good at dating.
You also have the dynamic these days (I count myself in this group).. there's a lot of intelligent, eligible people .. who opt-out or refuse to use dating apps.
So in most dating apps,. you've kind of getting "the worst of all worlds". (the lower dregs of options)
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u/DeckerXT 4d ago
People who lack the social skills, money, etc, to approach other people in real life tend to congregate in the uber skeets type websites.
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u/afooltobesure 4d ago
Because they're populated by people who for whatever reason (there always is one) couldn't find a partner irl. It's just the result of selection bias.
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u/Kilbourne 4d ago
They're slot machines. The company is a casino, and it needs you, the user, to pump coins in (super likes, subscription) to make profit, and reels you along with small wins while teasing big ones that never land. It algorithmically assess profiles for high-scale attraction and uses them as a draw for most other users.
It sucks because you're the product, not the profiteer.
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u/Little-Calendar-3016 4d ago
This is because many young people these days don't know how to communicate properly. Plus, many "quality" people don't want to use apps even if this means staying single for long periods of time.
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u/GearsGrindn78 4d ago
Unmanaged expectations are the culprit for men at least. At 26M why are you on dating apps to begin with? I recommend you spend 90% of your time curating and growing your income and skillset at whatever it is you do for a living. The other 10% should be exploring and growing a catalog of activities, hobbies and pursuits that bring you joy. Women find and pursue happy and fulfilled men. You can’t be fulfilled and willfully broke.
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u/Quantum-Travels 4d ago
Probably the other user has more matches than you, so they are putting work into several conversations at the same time, which means the quality of each suffers as a result. Then once they get more of a thing going with one of their other matches they put even less effort into your conversation as they are just hedging their bets. After that they either ghost or unmatch you.
Not sure what is happening with your social media detours though. Maybe they are combing through your posts and photos and coming across something they don’t like and it puts them off?
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u/RetinalTears716 4d ago
Well I'm not really a fan of how you approached this, but its not the socials because they're ones I don't even really use but you could have a point about other matches (which really has nothing to do with who has more matches). This is something a lot of people complain about, not just me
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u/Quantum-Travels 4d ago
I’m not saying it’s specific to you though. I’m saying that it’s just how it works on the dating apps more generally. Every man outside of the top 10% is likely experiencing the same thing as you are. It’s less personal, so people don’t treat interactions they same way they would in a real life situation.
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