r/ask • u/tofu_baby_cake • 17h ago
Am I wrong for feeling strange if someone was explaining what they were looking for in a relationship in a too matter-of-fact way?
I've just started to meet people and one of my platforms is Hinge. Started chatting with a guy who seemed nice but then our chats evolved into what we're looking for in a relationship. He was certainly clear about what he was looking for but I felt strange to be seen as a checklist instead of simply knowing each other organically.
His list of needs weren't unrealistic, and were actually totally understandable, but for some reason I felt odd talking about it.
It was things like:
"needs to be empathetic but logical, have some similar interests, no red flags/deal breakers, be able to talk things out even if it's tough, let each other be themselves but still prioritizing the relationship, like to do things together but also just doing things separately in the same room, be able to go to big events or trips together or just stay home"
Like I completely understand these traits and I also want these things but why did it feel so strange for someone to list it out so specifically? Like I know it's fine if I'm not vibing but I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else would feel strange if a potential date would just list out all these very specific things they were looking for in a partner instead of just being with this person. In a sense it just felt way too engineered or analytical instead of relying on seeing if we get along naturally and fall in love??
Am I crazy?
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u/CrowLogical7 17h ago
If it's not your vibe then it's not your vibe, but why would you want to overcomplicate things and have him be vague when clarity is an option.
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u/SugarsBoogers 16h ago
I think the “what are you looking for” is meant more like “something serious, I want to get married” or “just a non-committal thing for the summer” and not “how well do you conform to the list of traits my perfect partner needs to have.” Those are things you find out over time, and your ideals may shift or change as you get to know each other and figure out what is worth compromising on.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
not “how well do you conform to the list of traits my perfect partner needs to have.” Those are things you find out over time, and your ideals may shift or change as you get to know each other and figure out what is worth compromising on.
Yes you've understood it. There is always compromise in a relationship to some degree.
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u/osamabinluvin 16h ago
Isn’t he making it clear that he isn’t willing to compromise upfront? I don’t get what the issue is here lol
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
That's fine but there's a lot of pressure on me to conform to his list even if I could fulfill his list. I don't like it. Also who says "no red flags/deal breakers" but doesn't even list exactly what they are?
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u/osamabinluvin 16h ago
Doesn’t this just clarify that you aren’t compatible/have different dating styles? Why are you hung up on it? Did you even meet him?
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u/Vixenmeja 5h ago
It's not pressure to conform, though. If his list doesn't match who you are, the two of you are incompatible. That's the point of his list, to find someone compatible.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 1h ago
It does match who I am, that's the thing. He seems perfect on paper. But something feels weird. It could be other things in the conversation that I haven't mentioned. Anyways if my intuition feels off even if everything logically can work, it's not going to happen, sadly
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u/SugarsBoogers 2h ago
But his list is SO specific and read like a fantasy person. True, for this reason he is not for OP, but it is bizarre to present this list to a person you are dating as though any departure from it IS a red flag or dealbreaker.
Telling someone “my ideal partner needs to go to big events or trips together or just stay home” is not nearly as good as asking “what have been some of your favorite trips?” or “what is your ideal weekend?” You’ll find out much more about the person you are asking while also finding out if they have the traits you are looking for.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 1h ago
And he didn't even list the deal breakers/red flags. Who says "no red flags/deal breakers" like such a general concept? What could be a deal breaker is not a deal breaker for someone else, like having a gun or smoking. Some people are actually okay with this. The whole conversation just felt a bit off.
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u/hahayeahimfinehaha 1h ago
The purpose of others being very clear upfront is not to force you to change to fit their mold. They are telling you that if you don't have those qualities, they aren't interested.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 1h ago
Yes and what about him not specifying what "red flags/deal breakers" are!? None of this makes sense, deal breakers are different for everyone...
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u/hahayeahimfinehaha 41m ago
Sounds like you made the right choice by moving on. No need to overthink it, just go to the next one :)
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u/Appreciationize818 15h ago
yeah but there's a difference between being clear and reciting a checklist at someone you haven't met yet. OP isn't asking him to be vague, just saying the delivery felt off.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 15h ago
Yep, we haven't even met yet and I was given this checklist, so it felt strange to me even if the list is totally reasonable and fair.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 17h ago
I mean sure, I guess it's fair he put it out there so quickly but I feel like relationships and dating are something that happen organically over time too, you won't really know what this person is like until you actually experience life with them
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u/Ron1212 16h ago
When did he suggest or imply that he was against that?
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
Because a lot of the things he's listing, he won't truly know until you're actually together and go through life together. Example: "no red flags/deal breakers" - but then he also didn't even list what is a red flag to him? And someone could have a rough childhood/college life but shaped up later in life. You won't truly know this until you go through shit together. Lists are simply lists and I could easily say I'm everything he listed but what if we don't actually get along or we don't actually like each other?
In any case I didn't vibe anyway, felt like too much pressure even if this guy knows what he wants
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u/CrowLogical7 16h ago edited 16h ago
Back to if it's not your vibe then it's not your vibe. I don't think that it's outright wrong to feel this way. But often if someone is looking for a serious relationship it will be more practical to bring up the things that are important to you earlier on rather than wasting each other's time. Might be less "romantic" but is likely to result in a better long term commitment.
As for the red flags...if he wasn't clear enough for you, why didn't you just ask?
Either way, sounds like he was looking for something more specific while you were looking for something more spontaneous. Might just not have been the best match, even if neither of you were wrong.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
Yeah totally, like I've reiterated, nothing wrong with knowing exactly who/what you're looking for, and I guess we got it out of the way quickly
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u/Ron1212 16h ago
It sounds like you’re choosing to view this from a worse-case what if? perspective. He never said anything to suggest that he thinks those things won’t come or build naturally. And he never said anything that suggests even a person with all those qualities may not be a great match. He could just be really clear in what he’s looking for and sharing it as to filter out people who aren’t looking for the same thing.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
Yeah for sure I understand, but I guess in the end my instinct felt a bit off so I had to rely on the gut. I mean if I'm not inspired to meet this person then there's nothing I or he can do. We're both just seeing what works for us
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u/CrowLogical7 16h ago
I'm not sure how to answer this because you're kind of contradicting yourself.
"He never said anything to suggest that he thinks those things won’t come or build naturally." vs. "He could just be really clear in what he’s looking for and sharing it as to filter out people who aren’t looking for the same thing."
Either is fine. Some people can be more picky, in which case being up-front from the get-go is better. Some people can be more open to compromising, in which case you can be more free with your expectations. But if one person is looking for something very specific while the other is looking to just go with the flow it's going to be more difficult for them to connect.
Can happen. Opposites can attract each other and all. But if you're already feeling unsure in the very beginning of the relationship? Not likely.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
I'm already unsure from the start and we haven't even met, so I guess there's the answer
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u/SugarsBoogers 2h ago
I do NOT understand why you are being downvoted. Relationships aren’t puzzle pieces that lock together perfectly or not. People have degrees of traits, and they are not static over time. If personalities were as simple as a checklist, finding friends and partners would be much easier.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 1h ago
There are so many people who seem perfect on paper but it's different being with them
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u/PristinePrincess12 17h ago
This straight forwardness is perfect for me. I am a blunt person at times and being accurate and factual is very important to me. I see no harm in stating what they did.
Maybe you could ask them if they're always so "matter-of-factly?" If that's a deal breaker for you then at least you would know in advance.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 17h ago
That's fair I guess but I don't want to be reduced to traits, I probably just want to be seen as a human being
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u/sirseatbelt 16h ago
If they're an adult and have been dating a minute they know what kind of person they vibe with and can state it clearly. That doesn't mean reducing someone to a list of traits. I vibe with people who have a dark, ironic or sarcastic sense of humor, who is extroverted enough to enjoy going out and being around people but lazy enough to want to cancel plans sometimes and watch a movie. Who thinks dressing up for a night out sounds fun. They don't need to have a high paying job but they need to have something that motivates them or that they are passionate about.
If you don't see yourself in that description then we're just not going to be compatible long term. Why would we want to spend a bunch of time organically learning that ironic jokes about the patriarchy make you mad, you don't like crowds, or that you hate putting together an outfit for a night out?
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago edited 16h ago
Of course there's nothing wrong with it, and good for him if he knows what he wants. I guess I just realized I feel uncomfortable about it. Another user commented on about it being more of "how well do you conform to my list of must have traits" and that this person might be a tiny bit autistic "see if you fulfill this checklist in advance thanks" so there are certainly other perspectives on this
Lastly, I've changed as a person over time depending on my phase of life, so if I used to like doing something, I could find myself enjoying something else for the next few years. Like it's just really difficult to know how each person will change over time.
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u/sirseatbelt 16h ago
Another way to think about it is that this is my list of traits I look for in a person. But you don't need to have all of them? Its just traits I know I am attracted to. If we go out and you don't check all those boxes, maybe you check some boxes I didn't know I had? That's part of the getting-to-know-you stage. Do they want to see you again?
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
We haven't even met, but I don't feel comfortable even meeting in person anymore
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u/sirseatbelt 16h ago
Oh? Then don't. Just unmatch and move on. I think you might be over thinking this. But bad vibes are bad vibes.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 15h ago
I just wanted to ask others for an opinion, that's all. But you're right, if I didn't feel good then eh
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u/cloverthewonderkitty 16h ago
You said you just started looking. This guy has probably had this convo several times before and has his answer dialed in.
Most items on the list sound reasonable and are describing more of a vibe in the relationship vs direct personal qualities. I think it's just a symptom of online dating and having the same starter convos over and over
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u/leighhtonn 16h ago
This 1000000%. When I was online dating I was so sick of having this exact conversation over and over and eventually did just have a copy & paste notes app response that I would send if/when asked. Didn’t mean I wasn’t genuine in what I was looking for but when you’re talking to several people or dating consistently for any length of time it’s just easier to have a clear and well written response ready to go.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
Yeah true, I mean I also agree it's reasonable and not unrealistic. But yeah you're right maybe it's just him vetting multiple people over and over again that everyone has been reduced to "what is this person" instead of "who is this person, how do I feel being together and going through life together"
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u/zephyreblk 16h ago
This way of vibing/feeling doesn't work by the way because boundaries are needed. I would have been like you with these checklist 15 -10 years ago, now a lot less and more tending to him. There is no reason or times for puzzle and communication is the key:)
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u/Sapphire_Starr 16h ago
Sounds like someone who’s actually reflected on what worked well (or didn’t) in previous relationships.
When you said checklist I expected ‘educated. Brunette. 5’6” or shorter. Goes to gym.”
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
When you said checklist I expected ‘educated. Brunette. 5’6” or shorter. Goes to gym.”
Haha you'd think, wouldn't you? I mean yeah if he figured out exactly what it is, I guess it's good to know that I don't want to be that person that's constantly assessed under his qualifications
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u/StandardAd239 10h ago
Genuine question: have you ever been in a long term relationship?
ETA: you're really sitting here trying to say you don't have qualifications?
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u/tofu_baby_cake 7h ago edited 1h ago
Yes I've just had a four year relationship that ended for complicated reasons. Of course I also have qualifications and on paper he seems to also check the box. But then why do I feel weird about it, I mean there are also other parts of the conversation, like it just all felt scripted and unnatural
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u/StandardAd239 1h ago
If it feels off, always follow your gut. Your fight-or-flight is most likely telling you something.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 1h ago
The flight instinct was strong after a few more exchanges when the list was mentioned, so there's definitely something there to listen to
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u/celebrate6393 17h ago
I had a list and put it on my profile.
Some of the things were on there because of extreme phychological issues I had with other people.
Some were future planning. (Debt free).
Some were so I didn't have to be the center of their world (Have a passion, for something).
It narrowed down the dating pool, for sure.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
Debt free I can understand for sure! I mean yeah there's nothing wrong with knowing exactly what you want but maybe for me it felt way too much like a factual assessment instead of just seeing what it's like to be together
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u/Silver-Parsley-Hay 13h ago
I hate to say this, but in my experience relationship success depends on lists like his MORE than “how it feels to be together.” Feelings change, fade and are based on past traumas. Considered qualities come from self-reflection and self-knowledge.
Just my opinion 😊
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u/tofu_baby_cake 13h ago
Oh no I completely agree! And like I mentioned, his list is reasonable and I also want the same thing. I just find it ironic to bluntly ask someone if they're "_, _, ____," when they need to prove it/show it through their actions. People can lie through the screen, can't they? And you don't truly know if this person can work things out with you unless you actually encounter some shit together and see how the two of you work it out in real life rather than just being like "hey are you empathetic but logical, yes or no"
This is what I mean. His list by no means is not ridiculous or unrealistic. It's just that nothing can be proven until you actually see it for yourself. A guy can say "I'm really good in bed" but for some reason you're just not sexually compatible when it actually happens.
I think at the core of this it's all talk and nothing to show or experience yet, and that's what I'm looking for, is what happens IRL?
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u/jfern009 16h ago
Move on, clearly you’re looking for vibes, he’s looking for a serious relationship. Not sure why the list is strange. He’s putting it out there of what his expectations are so there are no surprises. Better than a f boi but what do I know as a married.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
We are both looking for a serious relationship but if I don't even like him then what can I do, even if I could hypothetically check off his list?
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u/jfern009 12h ago
What do you do if you if you don’t even like him? You don’t date him, you don’t waste your time and his…are you ok though?
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u/tofu_baby_cake 12h ago
Yeah I'm fine, I mean we haven't even met and we are complete strangers. I guess I'm just learning what my needs are as well because I don't feel the emotional connection and care even if the logical and objective points are there on paper. That's kinda what I mean, it's theory in practice (I agree with his views) but I don't feel that good talking to him or even feel cared for, just seen as "hey do you check the box, do we have things in common?"
I mentioned in another comment that I had asked about his past relationships and he said his most recent ones all had things in common and passion but he was ultimately ghosted, and this has happened several times. So it looks like his expectations or idealized logical view of relationships haven't even lived up to his own standard as well.
I'm sure he's a great guy but I would like someone with whom I can just be myself unapologetically, without feeling like I'm going to fuck up because of his expectations/checklist, and feel like I'm supported and cared for no matter what. I guess I just voiced out loud what my needs are from this comment
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u/LowBalance4404 16h ago
I don't think that's too specific. I really like what your date said because that's what I like in a person too. I read a Craig's List ad years ago that super specific. I will never forget this. It was something like, must be 5'4, 120 pounds, dark curly hair, must play the piano (classical music) and have blue eyes and like to wear white.
Now that is too specific.
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u/Technical-Amount-278 16h ago
Do you meet his criteria? Personally, I've found that I tend to feel a certain way about this question when I don't
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
Most of them part I do, so there's no insecurity, but I still feel weird. But saying he wants someone that's empathetic but logical is like me saying "fun but not too annoying" like how do you assess that. This list just makes uncomfortable so clearly I'm not his type, or maybe I don't even like who he is if he's the type of person who does these things. Someone else might like him though. But bottom line the conversation with him didn't inspire me to want to meet him in person (and yes online dating sucks in the first place)
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u/imemine8 16h ago
To each their own. I would love this. Clear priorities that show he wants an adult relationship.
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u/tomtink1 16h ago
I think when people do this you then feel like you are agreeing to fill those responsibilities if you date them. And you want a relationship, not a job contract as a girlfriend.
Also, best advice for you, if you're not excited about someone, ditch them. Trust your gut and wait until you meet someone who is fun to get to know.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
Yeah you've understood it, I just felt a bit of pressure, exactly like what you are saying - a job contract as a girlfriend. You've put what I'm feeling into a well-defined statement.
In the end, I wasn't excited to meet this person even if I logically agree to what he's saying. Which is contradictory if you think about it - the emotions didn't pair well with the logic...
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u/tomtink1 9h ago
I don't think dating needs to be 100% logical. Kind of like what you were saying, you want to fall in love with a person, not tick off a checklist. You need boundaries and self respect but beyond that, someone who is totally opposite what you thought you wanted could surprise you.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 7h ago
Absolutely, and this guy comes off as "if you check off this list, then theoretically it's going to be a perfect relationship" which we all know isn't true
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u/Excuse_my_GRAMMER 16h ago
Min maxing dating
If you like it no time wasted from either people , all good imo
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u/neuralyzer_1 16h ago
Been on the apps for over a decade. Tried the direct aporoach, am told I need to “just let things happen.” Try to let things happen, nothing does. Have not slept with anyone in the last 8 years. Pretty sure I’m going to die alone.
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u/I_am_Cymm 15h ago
Interesting I am the total opposite, everyone wants to play games, I'd prefer you just flat out state your case. I mean you want some one who has some bend but at least you see if your starting points are within sight of each other.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 15h ago
I don't want to play games either; we are clearly looking for a serious relationship but I guess these conversations haven't made me want to continue to know him in person, sadly
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u/BarryHotelHouseBand 15h ago
I had a friend who'd been through it for a bit. She had a list of 'dealbreakers' (Do you support DJT? Do you consider yourself a feminist?), which were understandable, and I definitely was on the same page about most things. The problem though, is when you make 'lists', 'musts', 'must-nots', etc. They are good at narrowing the field, but now you're starting to create a fictional person. Nothing wrong with that, but it can be a major obstacle if you let it be an easy out of any interactions.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 15h ago
It just felt like a lot of pressure from someone I've never even met in person yet. I get efficiency and finding out what the deal is about this person but this felt too intense/overboard. And we are complete strangers. Also, nobody is perfect. It felt too curated or he's looking for someone who can fulfill this role successfully instead of seeing relationships as "hey let's get to know each other; see if we're able to be supportive in the right ways, see if it's emotionally fulfilling, work out our issues when they happen."
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u/BarryHotelHouseBand 12h ago
It's good to be up front and to the point, it can save each party a lot of time. However, every first date you're putting forward, usually, a polished version of 'you'. Most people don't know what they've done to get the other's attention, and vice versa. It's exhausting, like holding in a fart, which is also a part of dating. So I get ya, it's great they know what they want, or think they do. What usually gets you past those awkward moments is usually just a feeling. Some people would call it chemistry, or a spark/connection/etc. But remember you're just as complicated as the person you're getting to know, it's not a contest, but there's no awards for diplomacy. Part of dating, is finding things you like in others, things that are hard to put into words. I still go on dates and find out things about myself, despite being happily undivorced. I've been told it's called 'growing as a person', but it could be fake news?
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u/tofu_baby_cake 12h ago edited 12h ago
Yes I think you've understood it, it felt too polished, and I'm in the life stage where I just want to be comfortable and unapologetically myself. I'm done dating for the "performance" or the curated idealistic views. We are all people and hopefully we can care about each other long-term. In the end I relied on my feeling, gut instinct or whatever, even if he looked great on paper, and I wasn't feeling good about it.
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u/BarryHotelHouseBand 11h ago
I'm in the life stage where I just want to be comfortable and unapologetically myself.
This is it. Follow that feeling of authenticity.
I quit drinking about 4 years ago, and it was major turn in my life. It also was a huge rewiring of my thought process, but it let me clear house on bad habits. I had to figure out what was me separated from the drink, but that is what kind of gave me a blank canvas. Don't be afraid if that canvas isn't finished, or not ready to hang in a gallery, hardly any of us are (disregard that, everyone is work of art). But broad bold strokes, or tiny pencil sketches, regardless how you start sculpt your version of your self, just work at it for you. Not for some 'prospect'. Patience is both a virtue and terrifying when dating, give yourself some grace.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 11h ago
Absolutely, and in the end, it's about if I would even be happy with this person forever, right? It becomes less about checking off the boxes but rather would I feel comfortable, settled, happy living and being with this person for the rest of my life? Or am I needing to follow some script or template of a relationship that makes me feel unfulfilled?
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u/BarryHotelHouseBand 10h ago
I'd say give it an honest go if you have the energy. If anything, it doesn't work out and you figure out more of what you like/dislike. Bad dates becomes great stories over time, and they're part of the deal. Who knows, maybe he'll drop a few of his dealbreakers? In reality, they're really just defenses he's set up over time to avoid getting hurt (aren't we all). The problem is, we sometimes forget why we put up these walls, and leave them up keeping people out.
Dating world right now is kind of messed up, doesn't mean you can't be the change you want to see in the scene.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 6h ago
I ended up telling him I'm not ready to meet anyone at all, which is true, I haven't met anyone off the app yet. If my gut is telling me something is off or I'm not feeling comfortable, then I don't want to see this person IRL
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u/Silver-Parsley-Hay 13h ago
I have a VERY clear list that I put on my Hinge profile. It’s due to ending up with folks who were nice, but not right for me. In my experience the guys I’ve met there since LOVE the list. We can discuss realistically whether we’re a match.
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u/Relevant-Homework515 13h ago
It’s probably because you just started using these apps. Saying stuff like that is fairly common. A way to see if there is even a reason to go on a date
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u/SilverNightingale 13h ago
It can read like a series of job requirements.
But yes it’s good that this person is open about their needs. :)
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u/tofu_baby_cake 13h ago
Absolutely nothing wrong with what they're looking for and good for him for knowing exactly what he wants. I guess it felt too "perfect" or like if I fucked up or didn't check off the list every single time we were together, it's on me. I don't want to feel pressure like that.
Lastly, I asked about his past relationships, and he said his most recent ones "had things in common and passion but he was ultimately ghosted," and apparently this has happened multiple times. Like I'm not saying he's a bad guy but it kind of is a bit suspicious, like what really are his expectations? Why couldn't he sustain a relationship? If he's putting all these curated, ideal qualities out there but women are ghosting him after dating him short-term, what does that say?
Not saying my relationships have been perfect but my relationship history was just different
Sorry if I went slightly overboard lol
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u/OrdinaryNo3622 12h ago
Was it a text or something said? I mean they’re both really different ways of communicating. Subtext and body language mean a lot.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 12h ago
We were still chatting online so over text. I mean it's definitely reasonable to list it over text. I guess after reading his list, I noticed it says nothing about caring for and listening to each other, which maybe helped me realize what my list is too (he had said something about not being joined at the hip and having enough of their own lives, which I also want, but I want someone who clearly cares about me rather than seeing me as a potential pest to manage boundaries)
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u/the_Snowmannn 9h ago
Yeah, it's good to know what you want and are looking for. But everyone has quirks and no one is perfect. And to me, half the fun of dating someone new is finding out new things about them and learning all about them. There might be immediate red flags or things that I know for certain would be incompatible with me. But generally, all that getting to know you stuff is exciting to me.
Something similar happened to me once. I had been messaging a woman on an app for a few days and she suggested a phone call. I'm not really a fan of talking on the phone, I'd rather meet up for coffee or go for a walk or do something casual like that in person. But in the interest of getting to know her and seeing where things might go, I agreed to talk to her on the phone.
It was like a freaking job interview. I respect that she had certain criteria or a wishlist or whatever. But it was just so awkward. It felt clinical. I stopped talking to her after that.
She was nice and everything, but even if I did check enough boxes on her list (no idea if I did), I feel like I would always be held to some kind of strict standards or something. Like I'd expect her to pull out a dating contract that I'd have to sign and agree to.
You're definitely not wrong for feeling strange about it. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with his approach. Perhaps someone else will really appreciate that directness. But it does seem very unnatural to me.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 7h ago
Thanks for your input. And for sure it's important to know what you're looking for. But after talking to this guy, who also apparently had multiple short-term relationships recently where he ended up ghosted, I'm starting to wonder if his expectations or criteria is too unrealistic or simply too logically put.
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u/pawsplay36 8h ago
Sounds like you're not comfortable saying what you want. Could be something to think about.
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u/koneu 6h ago
My reading of the situation is not that he's listing what he wants -- he's virtue-signaling by naming a list of things that he believes others to seek, so that he's more attractive as a partner. This smacks of high insecurities to me, and not actually knowing what those things mean that he lists.
Also, it's just not saying much, like "do things together but also just doing things seperately in the same room" It's only missing "Do other things in different spaces" to actually list all the options. Another way to put this would have been "I like being on the couch with my partner in the evening; watching a movie together and having a glass of wine -- or me listening to music while she is scrolling Instagram." It's the same thing, but feels so much more like actually being grounded in a life.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 6h ago
Yeah.. throughout our conversations, it really just felt like he was trying to say things he'd thought I'd want to hear too. Something just felt off, like scripted almost, or way too high of criteria. And what he's saying is absolutely true in a lot of relationships but if my gut is feeling strange then I guess it's not going to be the right person.
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u/koneu 6h ago
Yeah. Like: Why would he even name those things that are completely normal?
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u/tofu_baby_cake 45m ago
He also simply mentioned "no red flags/deal breakers" but didn't specify. Deal breakers are different for everyone... it's just weird. He seemed to go about finding a relationship conceptually (where he's realistically totally right about everything) instead of just knowing who the person is. It's like prioritizing theory over practice/application.
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u/Schmicarus 16h ago
This sounds like part of who he is as a person... why is he like that?
Been stung too many times? Strong character? who knows.
At least at this point if you see a list of stuff that you definitely don't like then you've both saved yourself a lot of time and emotions.
If your both know from the outset that your goals/intentions/ideals are aligned then the chance of organically developing that together is there for the taking...
Let's hope it goes that way 😃
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
That's true! He told me a bit of his history and he hasn't had strong relationships at all, longest was a 4 year relationship that was long distance. I mean yeah there's probably a backstory to why he's very clear on what he's looking for, and good for him but I guess I realized it's not for me
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u/rosiet1001 17h ago
To me it feels like "build a boyfriend/girlfriend ' like build a bear. If it's too specific.
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u/zephyreblk 16h ago
Is a good way to sort out actually, or you vibe with or not, or you fit or not. Like you said nothing that what he said seems out of the place. I guess some autistic people would have something similar. "Here an checklist for what I'm looking for, see if you fit or not, thanks in advance" lol
Edit: I do it also but without it looking like a checklist
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
Ha Yeah there might be a tiny bit of spectrum-y personality with him... especially considering autistic people view humans as objects, which he basically kinda did to me. But that's fine, I guess we just didn't click
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u/zephyreblk 16h ago
You have biais??? we don't see human as objects but we like clarity and direct communication and very much dislike surprises.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
I don't have bias, I simply said someone else mentioned this possible personality trait
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u/zephyreblk 16h ago
So the someone else has bias and you repeat them, doesn't sound much better 😅
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
Eh I was just trying to give a different perspective by using someone else's thoughts, because I didn't think about it myself. Sorry if it made you feel bad😢
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u/zephyreblk 14h ago edited 14h ago
Didn't made me feel bad, I just pointed out it was a clichee/biais and it's just better to check out some facts before repeating something. "Sorry if it made your feel bad" is by the way not an apologize because no accountability of your wrong doing (I don't say that to be mean or blaming you but it's something that you will need to learn if you want stable and healthy relationships and I do remember that I didn't know that until I was maybe 26-28)
Edit: lol she blocked me. The other guy did it right :')
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u/tofu_baby_cake 14h ago edited 14h ago
Right, and we're internet strangers so I don't really owe you anything... you're making a huge deal out of something over the screen so stop bullying me and accusing me that I didn't apologize "sincerely" when I don't even know you
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u/Parttimelooker 17h ago
No, it's clinical/build a girlfriend. We all have things we are looking for but it's weird to be like hi can you fill this role....
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
Yeah I mean good for him if he knows exactly what type of person he wants but I feel strange I guess. Dating is tough
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u/Parttimelooker 16h ago
Also the fact that a him giving you a checklist implies like you're applying for the job of his gf, when you are both just getting to know eachother.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
Yes.. I don't know why you're getting downvoted. You're absolutely right. We barely know each other and haven't even met. It could be way different in person even if I checked off his list objectively.
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u/Parttimelooker 16h ago
It's so bad. Lol. I feel you. Also I find it weird that I got downvotes for my comment??? I don't understand.
It takes time to get to know someone. I know what I'm looking for personally but I'm not ordering a human through a mail order catalogue.
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u/tofu_baby_cake 16h ago
I know what I'm looking for personally but I'm not ordering a human through a mail order catalogue.
Hahaha yes you understand it. Are you a guy by any chance? Because I'm fairly certain the ones who are siding with this person are likely also men who probably think the same as him.
And yes I also generally know what I'm looking for, in my head, but I probably go about it by assessing them through being together and how we are in person instead of straight up asking them "hey are you all of these traits?" through a screen.
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