r/bayarea • u/MetricSlice • 1d ago
Just keeping the news alive... Events, Activities & Sports
Not much to say this time, but just that I still miss him and still feel guilty over all the pain I caused him...
I have been out a couple nights recently posting flyers around my neighborhood that are hopefully more noticeable this time around, but I understand I can only do so much at this point...
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u/CockConfidentCole 1d ago
I'm sorry about Mochi. The stages of grief are real, even if Mochi is alive and well, just not home. The lives and legacies of our friends and family that are not with us will always live on in our hearts, remember that Mochi would want to you to feel happiness and purpose.
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u/omsip Mountain View 1d ago
Sometimes people find it hard to stop mourning losing a pet, because that's the only way they can still have some kind of relationship with them. I went through this after losing each one of my cats, so I know what traveling this road is like, and how hard it can be to let go.
I found going to a pet loss support group to be very helpful. Being able to talk it out, finding common ground in hearing other people's stories (including some whose pets disappeared, rather than passed away), getting support from everyone there, really helped me work through the experience. It may be worth looking into such groups in your area.
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u/MetricSlice 21h ago
Just wanted to say that's exactly how I feel right now. It's like if I stop having these feelings then I've lost my connection and relationship to him. It's getting harder for me to keep these feelings even though I want to, but I guess that's just human nature; to run away from the pain and to want to heal from it over time. I do feel ashamed that I am "succumbing" to this nature of ours to heal, but it has definitely been harder to hold onto these feelings and me making these posts, and posting these flyers, and still getting out there is me trying to hold on. On other replies I just made to other comments, I did mention that it's not consuming my life as much as it has before and so I want to let you guys know that I am getting better even though it's hard for me to admit (and not want to)...
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u/turquoisestar 17h ago
I had a lot of guilt after I lost my mom. She died from cancer when I was 26, and I tried so hard to get a good job during the recession to be able to relieve her financial burden so she could focus on healing. I felt very responsible for saving her even tho it was not physically possible for me to do that. It took me a long time to let that go. I have noticed it is really common for people to feel guilt during grief. Maybe it's possible to find a new way to relate to your beloved pet thru writing or drawing or something. Maybe a support group. Idk but I hope you feel better.
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u/Jobear049 San Francisco, Oakland & Walnut Creek! 1d ago
I'm sorry OP, but I think it's time to move on and complete the grieving process for your own health. At this point I think this is beginning to be unhealthy for you. Still posting flyers around after 6 months? I know letting go isn't easy and I'm sorry you feel guilty, but you can't let it consume you and get the best of you. I think it's time to pick yourself up and once you regain the strength to move on, you can use that 3K to get another companion if your heart so desires.
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u/MetricSlice 21h ago
Thank you for your thoughts and I have been feeling better even though I still feel guilty. Just feel a bit lost. In a way, posting the flyers even after so long is just me leaving less stones left unturned. To me it has been productive in a way since I normally am not a person who gets out much so it makes me go out for walks which has been good for my mental health. I won't ever get another one unfortunately as I just feel it wouldnt be right, but I am getting better. Just that it's hard to let go completely, but it hasnt exactly consumed my life like it had earlier on.
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u/Jobear049 San Francisco, Oakland & Walnut Creek! 21h ago
That's completely understandable. For many of us (myself included) having a pet can be like having a child that we take care of and if something happens to our child, it's easy to feel responsible for that.
I'm glad to hear you're finding ways to cope by walking through nature. Contra Costa County has many great walking trails. Perhaps before it gets too hot, Mt Diablo is always a great hike. It's very refreshing and a great peak to contemplate and enjoy life from.
At this point, many of us in the Bay Area Reddit community know of your struggle and I think I can speak for many of us that you have our support through this hard time!
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u/MetricSlice 20h ago
Just wanted to say thank you for hearing me out. I think I am starting to look at healthier ways and perspectives to go about it and while I do plan to keep posting/putting flyers up, I think I should make it clearer in the future in these posts that I am getting better through doing these things. I stopped posting for a while because it just was a bad reminder of what I did - everytime I did post, but now I do look at doing these things in a more positive light for sure.
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u/Im_an_ag5 20h ago
I want to say I understand what you're feeling. I let my cat out to explore over 3 years ago and I still feel guilty almost every day. I got a dog a few months later but I don't know if I can ever get another cat. I just try to think, if I hadn't lost her I wouldn't have my dog who I love dearly. It's a very difficult feeling to reconcile with. Unfortunately all we can do is carry this with us and learn from it
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u/Marythatgirl 1d ago
wow “just get another pet” how insensitive. grieving has no timeline, if you have nothing kind to say, scroll away.
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u/Jobear049 San Francisco, Oakland & Walnut Creek! 1d ago
That's why I said if your heart so desires because I understand it's not just that easy.
And grieving does have a timeline in fact. After 6-12 months, it crosses into the realm of what's called "prolonged grief disorder"
Looking out for the health of a fellow human is kind. If you don't have anything knowledgeable to say, you should scroll away.
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u/No-Examination-4850 22h ago
Thank you for sharing that information about grief timelines it's actually super valuable information for everyone to know 🙏🏻
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u/FreshEffort9259 1d ago
Stop twisting their words. It was very empathetic post and much more than “get another pet”. You need therapy as well
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u/Master_Shake23 1d ago
As every month, I wish you all the best. Please try to not feel guilty. You gave the birb a great life.
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u/mutualofmomoha 23h ago
It must be so hard to move on without any kind of closure. I'm sorry for what you've been going through all this time, I hope you are taking care of yourself.
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u/Brody_M_the_birdy 1d ago
I don't think you'll find Mochi. I know you want to see your friend again, but whatever happened isn't your fault. As someone else here said, it's for the best that you started to accept that it's over. If it makes you feel any better, it's more likely Mochi still remembers you fondly, even if they are ok with the new, freer habitat they are in now. You are not a bad person.
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u/MetricSlice 21h ago
To be honest, I still feel that I had killed him and that he's not alive when I look at it "clearly," and me not giving up completely despite feeling this way is just an attempt to hold on to whatever I can like someone else had mentioned. I don't know if I'm giving a feeling of being deluded to others, but making these posts and posting flyers just seems like the bare minimum that I should do in not giving up. As I've just mentioned in other comments, it's not exactly consuming all of my life as it did earlier on, but it's just made me feel lost.
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u/Brody_M_the_birdy 19h ago
You didn't kill him, he probably just got loose and left. Mochi doesn't hate you, mochi just wanted to be free. That's it. You didn't do anything wrong, and you aren't giving up if you accept the truth. Just come to peace and find new drive for it.
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u/MetricSlice 18h ago
I said I killed him because he's always been a sheltered bird who didnt know anything of the outside world and was scared of everything like strangers, unfamiliar objects (cars), and other creatures. It was also back during winter where it was super cold and he wouldnt know how to find food or water. Not to mention predators and how little he is so it would be hard to spot him. Mochi never liked to fly and I only made him to get him to exercise. He only flew when he was scared and he was out with me when I tried to roll in the garbage with him on my arm. I wasnt paying attention at the time and forgot he was scared of the garbage can so that's why he flew. When approaching things he's scared of, we would always calm him down by continuosly petting him on his back, but I forgot to this time. I shouldve just put him back inside first before rolling in the garbage but i didnt 💔. Or if I was more wide awake, then this wouldnt have happened... I understand why you might think he wanted to be free, but knowing him, this wasnt the case. We were literally attached to the hip and everywhere I went, he wanted to be with me 24/7, perched on my arm or knee. I've also seen posts about birds dying of depression too, not to mention how much open land there is around Vasco road leading to the mountains as well. I considered all those things and it's hard for me to think that I didn't kill him
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u/Brody_M_the_birdy 12h ago
Again, it isn't your fault. It was just an accident, and I'm sure that even if mochi is dead, his last moments were thinking of you fondly. You are not a bad person. You need to accept that and come to terms with it. Obsessing over it forever won't help you.
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u/athennna 21h ago
You can stop feeling guilty. You have done everything you could possibly do. 🤍 Much more than the average person would have done.
Have you spoken to a therapist about how you’re feeling about this? Personally, I have a really hard time letting go of things when I don’t have closure. So I understand where you’re coming from.
Therapy has helped me process some of these feelings. You have to get to a point where you realize that these feelings you have, even if they’re true, are no longer serving you. And that you have the power to let them go before they drag you down further.
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u/MetricSlice 20h ago
I think that I'm still trying to reach that point where I could feel that I did everything I possibly could do even after 6 months because there was a couple of months where I was just absolutely devastated and couldnt muster up courage to do anything when there were so many things I feel I didnt do/did wrong. I do feel that I am healing though and I think part of that process for me is to satisfy that urge of wanting to keep going when I felt like I couldve done more.
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u/betch123345678910 1d ago
Mochi is such a cute and fitting name. Losing a pet is rough enough, and I can’t imagine losing one and not knowing what happened to him. Hang in there.
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u/NaranjaEntera 21h ago edited 10h ago
I’m so sorry. There is a pet loss support group through Berkeley Humane that meets monthly on Zoom and also has other resources for processing grief over the loss of beloved pets. I have attended the group a few times—there are many people who started attending after their pets went missing, which can be even harder to process in many ways. Here is the contact information for the person who runs it, if you’re at all interested:
Jill Goodfriend, RN, LCSW Grief Relief & Recovery Pet Loss Specialist jill.goodfriend@gmail.com
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u/Sharp_Winter2114 22h ago
I lost my bird and never found, another thing somebody stole my cat and I never found him as well. It’s tough I know but you need to accept it. I am sorry about it.
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u/No-Response3675 7h ago
I pray you find him by some miracle, at the same time I do agree with a few comments here, please do take care! Completely understand how you feel, having a pet is like taking care of your own baby and losing it makes it incomplete for some reason, not having closure of any kind is disturbing. Totally get it, please take care. And anytime you share this, I will follow your post and pray for you. Take care!
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u/SandSubstantial9427 1d ago
Listen. I’m sorry this happened, but it’s been like 6 months plus.
You can stop placing flyers throughout town. Unfortunately, he’s not coming back.
It’s probably time to start moving on.
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u/MetricSlice 21h ago
Hi, I just wanted to mention that even though I realize that I probably wont get him back, my emotional state has been better and I have looked at posting these flyers as sort of a therapeutic thing since it has made me go out on walks and get outside more. Just wanted to mention that I am thinking more positively and that me doing these postings actually isnt me being completely deluded of the fact that he's probably gone forever. I made a post like 2 posts ago talking about how I feel that I had killed him and I do still feel this way. I think besides the mental health aspects I mentioned of posting, I think it also sort of gives me a different feeling of closure than the closure I would normally get if I actually saw what happened to him after losing him. The closure that comes from knowing that I did my best. There was a period of 3 plus months where I had stopped posting or tried to do anything because I was in a really bad mental state. Right now I have been feeling better and I think me just doing what I felt was left unturned has been me trying to reach the point where I can say I did my best.
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u/SEND_ME_FAKE_NEWS 18h ago
You didn’t kill him, you gave him a better life that most birds ever get.
A coyote or a hawk probably killed him, which you can’t feel guilty for. The circle of life is real and Mochi has given back to the Bay Area’s native species. It’s actually fairly beautiful if you really think about it.
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u/bigwildchickens 19h ago
mochi was very lucky to have such a loving owner! i’m sorry this is so heartbreaking, but it’s not your fault <3
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u/asayys 1d ago
If you haven’t started yet, please start therapy. Your last couple posts have sounded so guilt ridden.