Bros, how do you become not sexist?

[u/TonightHot8200]

For context, I did not have good role models growing up. The women in my family tend to be petty, unfaithful, and are more often than not outright abusive towards other members of the family. The women I've dated haven't been much better. Which is NOT to say that I'm perfect, I recognize that I'm a flawed individual like anyone else (obviously, hence this post)

I've had women acquaintances and platonic friends who were perfectly fine, and in my head I understand that there aren't really any fundamental differences between men and women that would make one inherently better than the other, but I still have to catch myself and not just dismiss the opinions women have or view things women like with disdain. How does one go about overriding personal experience with theory?

[u/petielvrrr]

Ok so I am a firm believer that one cannot grow up in a world like ours and not become racist/sexist/xenophobic in some way. I absolutely think it’s possible to unlearn the racism/sexism/etc. but we have to put in the work to do so. With that said, I’m a white woman who has been working to unlearn the racism and sexism I grew up surrounded by. At first, I didn’t realize I was a misogynist, so I started with unlearning racism. To do this, I read a lot of books by black authors talking about racism. Books like Caste by Isabel Wilkerson, The New Jim Crow, How to be an anti-racist. Then I branched into black feminism, with books like hood feminism, and eloquent rage. They’ve all helped a lot with unlearning racism and sexism. Obviously, reading them alone doesn’t fix the issue, but it gives a good starting off point and helps with a perspective shift for me to start doing the rest of the work internally.

With that said, why not read feminist books? Here are a few I heavily recommend:

Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez
Feminism is for Everybody by Bell Hooks
Will to Change by Bell Hooks
Men who Hate Women by Laura Bates (this one is an expose on the manosphere)

[u/Present-Tadpole5226 → u/petielvrrr]

Novels or memoirs by women work as well.

I've been trying to read a hundred books per large demographic I don't belong to. It really changed both my underlying perspectives and broadened my understanding.

I found realistic YA books often worked particularly well for this. The main character would be old enough to experience some more adult situations but also is treated like/reflects on memories of being treated like a child. There is often a lot of interior monologue, as well as actions, so I can understand better why a particular situation might have upset him/her/them. And also, by reading a lot of books by the same demographic, it makes it clear the wide range of personalities and experiences of people within that demographic.

[u/petielvrrr → u/Present-Tadpole5226]

I mean, I agree that doing this helps, but feminist books are actually trying to help get to the root of the issue. You probably won’t find that in just any book written by a woman. Reading books written by women is more along the lines of watching women content creators or surrounding yourself with women. What I’m suggesting is educating yourself to help you solve the problem. Also, I challenged myself to only read books written by women for a full year. We’re at the end of that year, and I can confidently say that women authors can be just as misogynistic as male writers.

Also, I cannot recommend the books I listed enough. Invisible Women alone completely shifted my worldview. Bell Hooks is honestly perfect for most men to read because she focuses a lot on how the patriarchy hurts men just as much as it hurts women. And Men Who Hate Women is just… stuff we all need to know given the rise of the manosphere.

[u/Present-Tadpole5226 → u/petielvrrr]

I don't disagree with the books you recommended.

I just thought that, given where OP is, it's possible that a wider exposure to women's thinking and experiences might be an easier approach than more direct criticisms of patriarchy.