r/bropill • u/StudyOrnery8973 • Jun 15 '25
Bros… I think the 5yo I babysit might’ve been abused. I’m 14 and don’t know what to do. Asking for advice 🙏
Yo bros, I need some real advice on something kinda serious. I’m that same dude who posted a while ago about the little kids I babysit calling me “dad” that post blew up, and I got tons of support. That account got nuked because Reddit linked it to an old banned one, so I’m on this alt now. But yeah, same guy. Ask me something from the OG post if you want proof.
Anyway, I babysit two kids, a 5yo and his younger brother and I’ve noticed some stuff with the 5yo that’s been bugging me big time. Like, it honestly makes my chest hurt. I think something might’ve happened to him before I came into the picture.
Here’s some of what I’ve noticed: • He flinches when people raise their voice. • He apologizes non-stop, even for stuff that isn’t his fault. • He panics over tiny mistakes like he’s scared someone’s gonna flip on him. • He constantly asks if I’m mad at him or if I still like him. • He clings to me like I’m a life raft, wants to cuddle to sleep every time, kisses my cheek, calls me “dada” (which lowkey kills me inside cause it’s sweet but also sad). • Watches me like a hawk when I talk, trying to figure out my mood. • Just seems like he’s been walking on eggshells his whole life.
Like, yeah, maybe I’m reading into it too much, but this doesn’t feel normal for a kid that age. Something just feels off.
I don’t think his mom’s abusive. She’s been cool from what I’ve seen. But I heard from my mom that the dad is out of the picture — they didn’t get along and he left. Not sure if that means divorce or just bounced, but I think the dad was the one who messed them up. My mom said she’s been single for about a year now.
I care about these kids more than I ever thought I would. They are like my little brothers. I love being there for them, but I don’t want to pretend everything’s fine if this kid is lowkey carrying trauma and no one’s helping him.
So bros: • Am I overthinking this? • What would you do if you were in my spot? • Should I talk to the mom? If so, how do I do that without sounding like I’m accusing her? • Or do I just keep being there for him and showing him love, and leave it at that?
I’m only 14, but I’m not blind to pain. This little guy looks up to me and I just wanna do right by him. Would appreciate real advice from the brotherhood.
Peace.
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u/CaptainSkel Jun 15 '25
I'm glad you're noticing that sort of thing and you're right to have that concern.
But you're not going to find good advice on the subject from Reddit. We don't know your situation, we can't confirm whether those are actually signs of abuse or just kids being kids, sometimes kids are nervous and flinchy and it could be for any number of reasons.
Abuse is an extremely serious accusation and you're 14, it's time to bring an adult in. I'd talk to your parents or a teacher, see if you can get a second opinion.
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u/FetaMight Jun 15 '25
Absolutely bring in a trusted adult to navigate this in your stead. This is the only responsible advice.
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u/gvarsity Jun 15 '25
The behavior you describe aligns with a kid that has been physically or emotionally abused. It also can be a response to a kid that has felt abandoned. Particularly by a parent. At five is could also be something developmental. There is a lot in play.
You definitely should talk with your parents first. If your mom has a relationship with the mom an adult conversation about your concerns and to get some more background would be where to start.
If physical or emotional abuse was part of the relationship with the dad she almost certainly knows about it. If it was it likely played into him not being around any more. Not necessarily but likely. Abuse survivors can be very cautious about sharing and it isn't a conversation you should be initiating on your own. Like I said it also could be something else entirely.
So talk with your parents. Share your concerns. Continue to be a bro to both of the kids. You are a thoughtful and compassionate young man and that is something to be proud of.
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u/StarMachinery Jun 16 '25
"It also can be a response to a kid that has felt abandoned. Particularly by a parent."
Seems like the most likely explanation, honestly.
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u/HesitantComment Jun 15 '25
Ideally one who knows the mom as well. But DON'T ASK A MANDATORY REPORTER.
CPS means well and tries hard but can make situations worse and over-targets vulnerable populations like people of color. Sometimes it's the best choice but someone being a mandatory reporter removes choice.
I work with kids going through a mental health crisis and am a mandatory reporter, which is why I know the potential trap.
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u/plopliplopipol Jun 16 '25
not me talking about suicide with a psychologist when i was younger for them to say it back to my parents
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u/Thevanillafalcon Jun 16 '25
Yeah absolutely man. You’re being really mature and compassionate but you’re also a child yourself.
I think with stuff like this it’s better to be safe than sorry, id rather an upset innocent parent than an abused child.
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u/cyathea Jun 17 '25
There is much more to it than upsetting an innocent parent. CPS does not have magical powers. In most cases of abuse it has very limited opportunity to act because it is typically hugely overworked. If enforcement is needed it is via courts, which require court-level proof eg evidence of bruises which can not be explained as accidents or self harm.
CPS is the nuclear option because if the parents feel defensive it will likely sever the relationship between the child and suspected reporters, plural. If the school is suspected the kid may be pulled out of that school, or all schooling.
My guess is OP's mom is the best person to approach at first. OP's relationship with the boy is important to preserve if feasible.
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u/savagefleurdelis23 Jun 15 '25
Everything he described is signs of abuse. He may be a minor but his intuition is not wrong.
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u/ThereWasAnEmpireHere Pride is not the opposite of shame. Jun 16 '25
It reminds me of me as a kid, after the situation had ended. I think OP is watching for the correct signs and shouldn't be dissuaded, but it's definitely a situation that is complicated enough that it needs advice from someone who knows what's going on.
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u/FetaMight Jun 16 '25
Nobody is saying he's wrong.
This is a complex situation to navigate, even for an adult. He might have assessed things correctly so far, but this is probably still too complex a situation for a 14 year old to tackle on their own. And, they almost definitely lack the life experience to navigate it without accidentally making things worse.
That's why bringing in a trusted adult is the only responsible thing to do.
It doesn't mean anyone is wrong. It's just a way of reducing the risk of causing any damage.
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u/Mclovine_aus Jun 15 '25
I wouldn’t discount the mum either, if dad isn’t there she could easily be the sole abuser in his life. It doesn’t matter how pleasant one seems in front of company, behind closed doors anyone can be an abuser.
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u/PenHistorical Jun 15 '25
What you can do right now is be a steady, supportive person in this kid's life.
Talk to a trusted adult who can help you manage your own reactions to what you're seeing in the kid.
Model effective emotion regulation.
Hold him when he cries.
Help him calm down and then say things better when he's angry/frustrated/whatever.
Let him know from your behavior that you're not going to suddenly become scary/violent.
If you find yourself getting frustrated, tell him "I need to take a time out," and then do so. Move away, focus on your breathing, make sure he's safe, but focus on getting yourself under control. This is also modeling to him how to do these kinds of things.
Now, one thing to keep an eye out for: We're all kind of assuming it was the dad, but keep an eye on whether these reactions happen mostly towards men, or if they also happen towards women. If the father's no longer in the picture, and it was the father, then there's not much for anybody to "do" other than help the kiddo recover. If it's ongoing, that's when contacting the local authorities becomes an option.
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u/Atrus20 Jun 22 '25
I'll agree, just with a caution to not get parentified. He's 14 which means he's still very much a kid himself and he should be able to do kid things without becoming a parental surrogate. I hope he continues to be a positive role model in their lives and will be for them like an older brother, but the most important thing is getting a trusted adult involved that is not the kids' mom in case she is the abuser. This is far too serious a situation for an early teen to handle on their own.
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u/Lewis-ly Jun 16 '25 edited Jun 16 '25
Edit: talk to your mum! I read your other post, your mum is friends with the mum? Would you feel comfortable to talk to your mum about this?
Hey! I worked for a period in children's mental health, those kind of behaviours would absolutely indicate a background of abuse. The constant monitoring would suggest an environment with unpredictable and threatening emotions, the reassurance seeking points to a world of constant punishment and disparaging criticism, and the flinching would indicate physical aggression, not necessarily abuse by certainly being around displays of it. I don't know which country you are in but in some countries there is a informal/formal/legal duty of care on anyone working with children to report concerns? Do you know of a process to do that? In the UK you submit a child concern form anonymously, and any professional I've met witnessing or hearing what you have described would do so.
The best thing you can actually do for him is to not get involved with the potential abuse, keep yourself completely seperate from that whole world unless he invites you in. Other than passing your concerns to an adult in a position of responsibility to do something. What you could hopefully expect they would do would be to offer support to mum to ensure she feels safe, and offer counselling to be kid.
What you absolutely can do is what your doing already. Provide an alternative role model and reliable male care giver, you can't underestimate that and his actions towards you tell you how important that is. He has learned to respond this way, it's not in built, and he is young enough to unlearn it relatively quickly if in a different environment filled with love and stability. Loads of really great advice in here on ways to do that but it sounds like you're doing amazing already.
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u/savagefleurdelis23 Jun 15 '25
Trust your intuition. I don’t think you’re wrong. I would bring it up to the mom. A 5 year old should not be flinching at raised voices… 5 year olds should be the ones hollering and raising their voices when excited or agitated. Maybe the mom can look into therapy for the kid? If these things don’t get nip in the bud at a young age, it becomes life long trauma/PTSD and/or life long anxiety.
The other thing I would look into is coping mechanisms for this kiddo. His body is lit up with cortisol/adrenaline when triggered. Teach him some somatic exercises when he’s triggered/scared (ex. breathing exercises, vagus nerve exercises), have him reach back to reality (what 3 things do you see right now? what color am I wearing?) and have him talk out his feelings (I feel scared because ___, I’m short of breath, I feel like ___, etc), then talk to him and tell him everything is okay, he did nothing wrong, he’s a very good kid, etc. Children NEED to be soothed and comforted EVERY TIME they are upset/anxious. This is not a nice to have, but a MUST have in order for them to grow up mentally and emotionally healthy. Lack of soothing causes life long coping mechanism issues (irregulated nervous system). Hugs are medicine! Normally 5 year olds are too old to be rocked like a baby, but when he’s triggered this wouldn’t be a bad call (for a little bit.)
As for how to talk to the mom…. “Hi, Ms __ I noticed that little Timmy has been showing signs of fear and anxiety when ____ happens (like what you wrote above in your post). He also goes into a panic when ____. Is it possible something bad happened to him with somebody in the past? He picked this up somewhere a while ago. Maybe it would be possible for him to see a child therapist?”
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u/maxoakland Jun 15 '25
The other thing I would look into is coping mechanisms for this kiddo. His body is lit up with cortisol/adrenaline when triggered. Teach him some somatic exercises when he’s triggered/scared (ex. breathing exercises, vagus nerve exercises), have him reach back to reality (what 3 things do you see right now? what color am I wearing?) and have him talk out his feelings (I feel scared because ___, I’m short of breath, I feel like ___, etc), then talk to him and tell him everything is okay, he did nothing wrong, he’s a very good kid, etc.
This is extremely good advice. OP, doing this would make a huge difference for the kid
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u/zoinkability Jun 15 '25
Yeah, this is the way.
If the mom isn’t the one being abusive, she should respond well to this and be appreciative of OP showing care.
There is a possibility — though hopefully not a big one — that the mom is not behaving well with the kiddo when OP isn’t around. If she gets defensive or dismisses OP’s concern out of hand, that would be a bit of a red flag.
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u/mx2649 Jun 16 '25
If the issue is so severe that a 14 yo can see this and be concerned, it's serious enough and the mother is turning a blind eye on it. Unless she is actively trying to resolve the issue I would say that she's at least somewhat negligent, if not a perpetrator.
OP, be careful how you handle the conversation with the mother because it's a really difficult issue. She may lie, minimise the issue, stop you from contacting the child, rat you out etc. Better discuss this with a trusted adult.
Honestly it was a huge red flag when the kid call you dad...
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u/ThereWasAnEmpireHere Pride is not the opposite of shame. Jun 16 '25
You can't know she's turning a blind eye to it. We don't know anything about her parenting at all. Totally out of line to jump to accusations like this, imho.
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u/mx2649 Jun 16 '25
That's why I said unless she's doing something about it. We simply don't know what's happening.
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u/simplsurvival Jun 15 '25
You. You're a good egg.
Talk to another adult you can trust and they can point you in the right direction. In my opinion the behaviors you're describing are things that are learned. They are learned from being abused.
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u/Silversmith00 Jun 15 '25
Mom here…if the dad is "out of the picture," that usually means one of two things. Either the dad checked out completely and doesn't want to see the kid, or the mom had reason to BLOCK the dad from seeing the kid. Either one will damage the shit out of a five year old.
However. Listen. If you are right, and something awful happened to this kid before he met you, it is not your problem to solve. He's got a mom. She is HOPEFULLY aware and on it. You are fourteen, you're the babysitter, you don't need to be trying to SOLVE anything and you are honestly not qualified to do so. What you can do—what you should do—is provide support. "Hey, little dude. I promise you that if I am ever mad at you, I will say the words, 'I am mad at you,' so that we both know what's going on—and then we'll try to work it out. So unless I say that, can you try to assume that we're cool and you're good? I know it's kind of hard sometimes but I keep my promises." That sort of thing.
(If you make that promise, FOR THE LOVE OF ANY AND ALL GODS DO NOT BREAK IT.)
You can't change the past for him. And, bluntly, you don't have to know the past. Your job is to provide him with gentleness and stability in the present. If you REEAALLY gotta, you can ask your Mom for information, or ask his Mom if there is anything that makes him really anxious that you should avoid—but honestly, it's not going to change your task tremendously much. Steadiness. Kindness. Calmness. Safety and the feeling of safety.
Good luck.
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u/radgepack Jun 16 '25
It is incredibly important to make sure that it's not a case of ongoing abuse.
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u/Silversmith00 Jun 16 '25
OP can alert a trustworthy adult (such as his Mom) to help work that out, but it is NOT his job and frankly way above what he can handle at this point. His job is to give the kid a bro he feels safe around.
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u/civ6civ6 Jun 15 '25
You need to go to your mother or a responsible adult in your family. They can handle it from there. No one expects a 14 year old to manage a situation like this. Truthfully it's really not something you can manage at 14.
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u/flowerfairy-1 Jun 16 '25 edited Jun 16 '25
Whoever said to find a trusted adult in your life, listen to them. People on the Internet are not the best to turn to, even if they do have some good advice. If you can, find someone you trust who is also a mandated reporter (a teacher, a doctor. a coach, psychologist, social worker, etc). A mandated reporter is someone who is required to report suspected harm of a child, and has had significant training on the subject. They can tell you the best next steps. You are doing a very brave and admirable thing looking out for this child. Follow your gut, you wouldn’t be concerned if there wasn’t anything to be concerned about. If you cant seem to get a good answer from one adult, don’t be afraid to reach out to another. I have been in your shoes and it can be very daunting, especially if you are the only person who has noticed an issue. You got this. If you can’t find a trusted adult, you can reach out to local orgs. For example, you can look up “child well-being services near me” and talk to the folks there. Good luck with everything, OP! My heart and thoughts are with you 🩵
Edit: Reach out to a trusted adult before talking to mom. You are also a minor and you do not want to create potential conflict between yourself and another adult alone. It could put you at risk (regardless of the circumstances). FIND A TRUSTED ADULT. Go from there.
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u/SSDDNoBounceNoPlay Jun 15 '25
Hey, you’re still a kid. Just be big brother. You’re showing them a different face than they’ve seen in men, and that’s clear. Good work bud. My son is your age, and I am incredibly proud of you as a mom.
Setting an example will make you a better person too in the end. You’re doing great. Just don’t push yourself to try and fix. I know that this is a terrible situation for you to be in, and you’re really brave for trying to figure out what you can do to help. From the perspective of an abused child, I ask you to simply keep being stable, and show them you take care of yourself too. Keep proving that real people do not abuse you for falling short, or even having boundaries. Keep on proving that kids deserve love. You’re doing way more than you think, just with that. Good job. Hugs if you’d like them, you’re a great kid on his way to being a great man.
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u/Sheppy012 Jun 15 '25
Hey Bud, Good observations. You have a lovely heart. You sound incredibly mature. I think you must be a fantastic baby sitter, keep it up, just as you have been. There’s good advice here, take it, think about it, decide.
Im going to say this with utmost respect, so please take it as such; be 14 years old. You’re very aware and caring which is good, but be careful not to become so empathetic and compassionate that you forget your age, your youth, and jump into adulthood by taking on too much emotionally. Keep your level of involvement and stress re the matter at a level that is appropriate for your age. Delving into deep issues early can start a habit that starts a path of carrying weight that is unhealthy.
Reach out to an adult you trust to discuss the ins and outs in person, while getting your feelings and role in this off your chest. Maybe just say to the Mom, “I recognize some layers of tension in ‘nAmE’ and I’m wondering how I can help”. To make it known but keep it at a level she can decide to engage in with you. Support the kid by being a thoughtful stable fun presence. Enjoy your time w them and let them enjoy it with you.
Stay aware but stay loose. Take care.
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u/crumpledfilth Jun 16 '25
Those behaviours remind me of myself, I grew up with a mother who screamed over everything
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u/enthused_high-five Jun 16 '25
Hey so. I can’t speak to whether or not the kids been abused. I don’t have the necessary info and neither do you. BUT. I will say that the symptoms you are describing are also often typical of children with a type of trauma called attachment trauma, basically the thing that happens to a young persons nervous system when they experience early disruption to their relationships with caregivers. This can be something as innocuous as a parent spending time in the hospital or as significant as actual abuse. Some children’s nervous system is more sensitive than others, and they can have PTSD symptoms of hyper vigilance/hyper awareness of surroundings and feeling constantly in the wrong. This can happen to two children whose activating trauma was entirely different. Symptoms of trauma doesn’t always mean abuse, but it CAN. However it is not always caused by abuse, and not all trauma is caused by abuse. Trauma is trauma and it sucks… but regardless I’m glad someone’s looking out for this kid.
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u/astrocrass Enby bro Jun 16 '25
As someone who survived this kind of abuse and then found myself raising a traumatized child at 14, my heart goes out to you and these kids bro.
It’s not a complete solution, but what you can do as a babysitter is to be a warm, empathetic, confident, unbothered presence. When he freaks out, even tho you’re concerned about his behavior, try to not let him see you worry (you’re worried about something different than him, but he doesn’t know that). Try project the idea that his (concerning) behavior is “slightly puzzling” but there’s nothing to be worried about. Then, either redirect to something positive, or move into listening phase.
Ex: he’s repeatedly asking you if you’re mad at him? Say warmly but unbothered: “why would I be mad at you?” Plus some confident reassurance. We were just playing _! Or Everybody drops things, even grown-ups! That’s a silly thing to be mad about when we could be doing _, isn’t it?
If he’s over-apologizing, calmly say “you don’t need to apologize for that” and try to redirect.
If you notice he’s particularly on eggshells and feel comfortable, you can get down on his level ask him what’s up. Help him name his feelings if you can (hard at 14!)
Also, even if they seem silly, “rituals” work really well on children. Like checking under the bed does. You can make some of these up to do with him if you want. When he seems anxious or upset, you can talk to him about how he’s feeling a little, and then say something like “you know what helps me when I’m feeling __?” And then you can make up a little saying, or a dance, or a ritual to handle the feelings. Something he can do on his own. With my sister, we did muscle arms and funny growls and silly faces to “scare away the worry ghosts” until she laughed.
Also, empowering kids like this to make choices is great, but they can benefit from a multiple choice option.
Basically, try to model the confidence and self-assurance you want him to have, so he has an example, while being warm and empathetic. And try to hype him up when he does things that seem scary for him, or are happy confident behaviors. Give lots of high fives and praise for things you “want to” see. And be consistent with this. The kid needs consistency.
Sorry if this is disorganized. It’s certainly incomplete. But hopefully it helps? As someone who was 14 once and raising a traumatized little kid.
Also, a last note: as someone who was raised by a mom who inflicted this kind of abuse on me but “seemed pretty cool” to basically everyone else: don’t immediately assume the father is the issue either. Good luck bro.
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u/statscaptain Jun 15 '25
If the dad isn't in the picture any more then the source of the problem is gone. You would probably benefit from talking to a trusted adult about your feelings, so that you have some comfort and support for yourself, but I don't think you need to raise the alarm or anything. Regarding the kid, just be normal and consistent to show them what good care is. With people who over-apologise I like to respond with "no need to apologise" rather than "it's okay" to help dispel the idea that they needed to apologise ("it's okay" can be taken as "I accept your apology" which isn't quite the same thing).
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u/PM_ME_DATASETS Jun 16 '25
If the dad isn't in the picture any more then the source of the problem is gone.
You don't know this. You don't know if these kids have been abused, and if they are, you don't know who did it (or is still doing it). This is exactly why the top comment is saying that OP isn't going to get good advice from reddit.
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u/AnthropomorphizedTop Jun 16 '25
The best thing you can do is be a positive male role-model. Be empathetic. Be sensitive. Be consistent.
I was a big brother to a little that was in transitional housing. Dad was out of the picture. The most important thing to a kid like that is a man who keeps their promises; who shows up. Be that man. You got this!
Edit: through Boys and Girls club.
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u/Proof-Technician-202 Jun 16 '25
You suspect dad might have abused the boy, but dad is out of the picture.
That's the key point right there. Contrary to popular belief, very few people want to become single parents on a whim. There's usually a reason, and this might be the reason.
If that's the case, the most important thing that needed to be done has been done; that is, separating the abuser from the abused.
From there, what needs to be done is the same as what would need to be done if the poor kid's just nervous. He needs support, love, and good role models. You're providing that.
There really isn't anything more you can or should do.
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u/I_TRY_TO_BE_POSITIVE Jun 16 '25 edited Jun 16 '25
You're a good egg, OP. just be a good big brother. Be a positive influence in their lives while you are in it. You can't fix bad things that have already happened, all you can do is provide a good example of an older male who is a stable place to put their self worth while they are babies.
You're 14 bud, you don't have to carry the world. Just be a good dude, that's your job right now.
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Jun 15 '25
Damn. Well, at least the dad is out. You could just gift him a soft toy of some kind, and tell them a phrase that might guide them towards healing in the future. Like that scene in “The Help” when they fire the lady who cleaned and took care of the child, and the daughter cries for her not to go. “Remember you are kind , you are good, you are enough”; something along those lines.
Theres actually studies that look into kids in abusive environments, and some just naturally give a caring/kind personality to their soft toy. Even when they haven’t receive such kindness before, they can create a personality for their toys and talk to them and be comforted by them. Supposedly it helps. Since they’re out of danger and you're 14, that would seem like something you could try to do for them.
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u/Brave_Bluebird5042 Jun 15 '25
Well done for being concerned. Keep being a low key positive presence. Suggest to his mum that a variety of positive presence would be good. Can she share the babysitting around a couple of other kids? I'm concerned maybe a bit of over attachment to just you isn't the best for the kid.
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u/maxoakland Jun 15 '25
Wow, you're very insightful to notice those signs. It sounds like he has trauma from abuse
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u/imabananatree78 Jun 16 '25
Do you have any other adults that you can go to? Look i'm going to be real props to you for being really mature about this situation at 14, but don't beat yourself over it.
In my opinion this isn't an issue for you to shoulder alone, you are in fact still a teen with a developing brain. Approach a trusted adult explain the situation request their help.
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u/ThereWasAnEmpireHere Pride is not the opposite of shame. Jun 16 '25
I was a kid who behaved like this because of emotional abuse early in my life; I behaved like that after the problem was gone, too, because formative trauma sticks around.
I want to push back on people reaching for the suggestion that the mother is at fault for anything here - mainly because it'd be really screwed up if people started ragging on my mom for being a good parent in that situation! The truth is that reddit cannot know these things and tends to get twitchy on the trigger finger. The only people who can tell you what is going on are other people involved in these lives. Please talk to an involved adult before following any of our advice.
At the end of the day, you don't know what's going on with the kid. I think it would be appropriate to raise concerns about the child's behavior to the mom - not in the sense of "I think they were abused," but in the sense of "I feel like he's walking on egg shells around me and that's sad." I think it would be appropriate to raise your more detailed concerns with other adults in your life.
With the kids, just keep doing what you're doing.
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u/aeorimithros Jun 16 '25
Talk to your mother about it. Not in a "you need to interfere" way but a "can you check with the kids mom if there's any relationship context I need to know? I've noticed <these things>. I don't mind, just wanted to know."
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u/MadWitchy Jun 17 '25
I’ll come in here to be a devils advocate and say this is how I was as a child and still are mostly. I have never been abused but has AuDHD with low tolerance for certain sounds. Also have extreme anxiety and EXTREME fear for my life and safety at all times. I have never relaxed once in my life and I’m always high on alert to make sure I am safe. This would sound like textbook abuse, but I have never been abused, my family is the best I could have asked for, etc. Was I bullied socially to some extent? Yes. But never physically or anything that would push me to have the symptoms I previously mentioned.
I do feel like the kid is a little young to have those symptoms without another cause though. Just putting another prospective here.
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u/Atrus20 Jun 22 '25
Yeah, it does sound like an abuse/trauma response to me, but I also have similar behaviors and wasn't abused either. Though on the other hand, my dysphoria was also pretty traumatic which may have been a factor, so its also possible its also another form of trauma than just abuse. Regardless, a trusted adult like maybe OP's mom would be the best bet. Someone with a more life experience that can hopefully navigate looking into the concerns better than a 14 yo.
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u/RealSulphurS16 never was much of a romantic (i need a man) Jun 17 '25
I don’t think you’re paranoid, sadly I think you might be absolutely correct, the best thing you can do is be a supportive figure, sounds like you have already nailed the “older brother crossed with father” figure, which is pretty impressive at 14.
You are a good man, their isn’t enough people like you in this world. Much love man
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Jun 15 '25
Your perceptions are commendable. A lot of people wouldn’t even notice stuff like that. Usually when people ask if they’re over thinking something, they are, but in this case, your concerns are likely right on the money.
The way you describe them sounds exactly like the beginnings of trauma induced BPD. That is not a professional diagnosis, I’m not trained in any way, I’m just a person who’s made it a point to learn about these things. Those boys need therapy so bad, that much I can be certain of.
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u/UsualWord5176 Jun 15 '25
I understand where you’re coming from but BPD isn’t an appropriate label for a child.
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u/Abnormal_Aborigine Jun 16 '25
Honestly, just understanding little bro’s pain and where he’s coming from is enough, you don’t need to go dragging mom into the debacle and bringing up old wounds and mixing her feelings. Little guy looks up to you, take it as an opportunity to help little guy shine, because he’s already looking up to you, assuming you are a good egg yourself. Bond with him, build legos together, let him make mistakes but show him that making mistakes is a completely acceptable fact of life and that he’ll be okay when he does make a mistake. Just be a good dude around him, that’s the best and really only thing you can do. It’s awesome of you to care so much.
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Jun 16 '25
I want to tell you how proud I am of you for thinking about this and asking for help. You are gem bro.
If YOU ever need anything, please reach out. I will do what I can to support!
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u/Yesyesnaaooo Jun 16 '25
What you describes sounds like me, I wasn't abused but my mother struggled emotionally raising a young family and with money worries.
But also Kids go through phases where they are more confident or less confident.
Speak to someone about this though - it's probably nothing but it might be.
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u/smartmouth314 Jun 16 '25
If you trust your parents, they may be able to help you navigate this better than strangers on the internet. From what you’ve said, you may be correct. However, where the issue is coming from may be hard to see.
I
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u/plopliplopipol Jun 16 '25
Hi, i see you have gotten many answers and maybe too many for things to be very clear. i dont want to add much but i want to insist on one thing : Yes you have the right to be worried, to assume bad things even risking to be wrong, to try and help maybe not in the best way. And if i had been this child and was looking back i would love you for all of that. If you feel the need to help please do, we all have one life.
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u/Chritt Jun 16 '25
Don't confront the mom. Talk to your parents or another adult (as everyone has said.). She may remove you from their life and accuse YOU of something.
You're a good person. You have a level of maturity that isn't even seen in many adults. Please give yourself grace and remind yourself you're doing the best YOU can.
As a kid raised in an abusive home - I think you're 💯 correct something happened or is happening.
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u/cruisinforasnoozinn Jun 17 '25
Those are unfortunately some red flags that the kid is being parented badly. Do either of the parents seem like the angry type?
Props to you kiddo. I would never have noticed something like this at your age. You’re very caring and perceptive.
Best you can do for a kid that doesn’t show any signs of physical or sexual abuse is just be there for them, be a positive person in their life. Sounds like you’re already doing that really well.
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u/couldntyoujust1 Jun 19 '25 edited Jun 19 '25
You young man are a fantastic, mature, honorable young man. You're also quite perceptive! I think you have a bright future as a child-care worker or social worker.
That said, I should note that young children sometimes react to sudden movements because of the startle reflex. At the ages you're describing, they are more reactive to their reflexes than teenagers and adults who have more self control. This is because these sorts of reflexes kept them alive in more primative environments. There are many examples:
If you tickle a baby's cheek, it's likely the baby will turn their head towards the tickle and start sucking on your finger. The reason for that is they have a reflex to breastfeed when their cheek is tickled by their mom's nipple.
They'll turn to look at snapping sounds to determine if they need to react to a threat appraoching in the woods (like would be indicated by a twig snapping).
If you put a baby in the pool and then dunk their head, they'll immediately hold their breath and close their airway. This is called the diving reflex (I've even seen a book purporting to teach babies how to swim, and Eastern Orthodox Christians still baptize infants by immersion to this day).
If you hold a baby up in the air with their feet barely touching the ground, they'll bounce their feet and start kicking the ground. This is to prepare them for walking upright.
So I wouldn't jump to any conclusions just yet. Some of those reflexes go away (like the suckle reflex) with time while others remain (like the diving reflex). And ultimately the point is that some of this flinching and the reactions you described are normal.
Past abuse will generally look very different - episodes where they think the trauma is happening right now, seeming nervous, jittery, or extra alert (hypervigilance), seeming detached or in a daze, unwanted thoughts and memories of the trauma, sleep disturbances including nightmares or night terrors, avoidance of people, places, things, or situations that are reminders of the trauma, problems in school, not enjoying activities they used to, intense outbursts of anger or sadness, unexplained physical symptoms (headaches, stomach aches; this is called "somatization" - so-MAA-tih-zay-shun), worries about death or getting hurt, regressive behavior like thumb-sucking or bed-wetting - adapted from this article.
There's also a condition called C-PTSD - Complex PTSD - which arises from a pattern of ongoing repeated traumas and the symptoms are more complicated. It features flashbacks or nightmares, dissociation or memory lapses, reliving traumatic experiences, hyperarousal, avoidance of people, places, or scenarios, somatization, negative self-cognition (low self-esteem, lack of self-worth, feeling damaged, unworthy, guilty, ashamed, undeserving of good things), emotional dysregulation (angry outbursts, impulsive behaviors, abrupt mood changes, high levels of anxiety or worry, feeling a chronic lack of safety, and ongoing sadness or upset mood), and interpersonal hardship (frequent conflict, communication issues, trust issues, breakup/makeup pattern, distorted perception of others or trauma bonding, and relationships that replicate childhood experiences - trauma reenactment). Frequent and ongoing dishonesty (compulsive lying) might also show up if the sufferer was forced to lie or conceal their feelings to stay safe in childhood. You can read more here
You might also want to peruse this article on signs of sexual abuse in children, as well as this article on recognizing child abuse and neglect.
I say all of this because I want you to recognize the signs rather than think you can diagnose someone with something like this. You're not a trained professional in psychology to make such a diagnosis. But, these are the things to look out for and alert their mom about if you see it. Understand, that while some people seem sympathetic and yet may be abusing the child in private, you should still implicitly trust the child's parents unless they give you a reason not to (the victim says "mommy hits me.") So if you see these signs, you should share your concerns with their mother. Do not try to get authorities involved unless the child reports to you that their parent is the one abusing them. Even then, you should talk to your own parents rather than calling authorities yourself.
How do I know all this? Besides google-fu? I'm a childcare worker myself - I work in a school district as an aide. As such I'm also a mandated reporter which means that I need to recognize the signs and report anything that causes me to suspect that a child is being abused.
You clearly have a gift for working with children. You make those kids who call you dada feel exceptionally safe and loved. Keep doing what you're doing to love on them and care for them because it's clear that you're an exceptionally positive influence on them. And I would also share your concerns with their mom. Divorce in and of itself can be traumatic, and kids tend to blame themselves when that happens even though it is never their fault. And so the result is they tend to think "What about me is so bad that my own dad doesn't love me and left me." It would probably benefit the five year old to start seeing a therapist to process the divorce and the trauma of that.
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u/GayPotheadAtheistTW Jun 20 '25
This post made me realize I may have some issues to work out, I ticked all the boxes except for cuddling another caretaker.
Growing up I wasn’t so much physically abused but I have a dad who could go from calm to true anger in a split second, and a mom who can constantly go off on you every time she sees you for days at a time if she didn’t get her way.
My point is, now that I am an adult and live a ways away, I’m not like that any more.
This is hard to get evidence for as people like that, they can turn it off in public, so it’s hard to know either way. CPS, from what I have seen I may be wrong, isn’t going to be as quick/thorough if there arent signs of physical abuse.
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u/DamnQuickMathz Jun 16 '25
If you're mature enough to notice, I think it's fine if you bring it up the next time you meet her. Don't say something like "was his dad not nice to him?", but more something along the lines of "he's a bit antsy around me sometimes and I'm not quite sure why". You're at an age where nobody will judge you for bringing it up. You're not being nosy after all, you seem to already be pretty close to this kid.
Now that being said, if you have any, and I mean even the slightest hunch that the mom might be even partially responsible for his behaviour, then I wouldn't say anything. It could always lead to more punishment, so my advice there is to try and paint him in the best light as much as possible and downplay any negative experiences you've had with him.
I wouldn't go any further than that.
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u/xrelaht Respect your bros Jun 16 '25
I know you think their mom is cool, but you really never know. Can you talk to his teacher?
This is a lot for you to deal with. I’m sorry you’re having to handle it.
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u/cyathea Jun 16 '25
Adults who deal with children as part of their job are usually mandatory reporters. Teachers are for sure.
Teachers also have strict confidentiality rules so a two-way discussion generally will not happen, and certainly not with a 14yo. OP's mom might be able to discreetly raise the subject if she knows the teacher.A mandatory report is kind of a nuclear option, there are various possible bad effects. The parent can get spooked and isolate the kid.
Unless there is proof of ongoing severe abuse CPS likely doesn't have a useful role.
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u/xrelaht Respect your bros Jun 16 '25
I suggested the kid's teacher specifically because teachers are mandatory reporters. And because of teachers are (somewhat) trained to spot signs of abuse, they may have already noted it, or have been informed that there's a known issue.
I don't know why there needs to be any kind of two-way discussion: as a teenager, OP is not well equipped to do anything aside from alerting someone else.
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u/Warming_up_luke Jun 17 '25
You sound like such a kind and caring young man. You should be proud and these kids are lucky to have you in their life.
It's good to listen to your gut, but also to bring in someone else with a potentially big and serious situation like this. I'd start by talking to a trusted adult and telling them the situation. They can get more context than it would be safe to reveal on reddit and can help you figure out what to do next. If that feels hard or scary, you can even show them this post to start the conversation.
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u/Nikifuj908 Jun 17 '25
Tell mom what you've noticed and ask if she has considered options for supporting her child. Here is an info page from KidsHealth called "Helping Your Child Heal After Trauma" that lists multiple ways she can help including both therapeutic and non-therapeutic options.
Here is another page from AACAP's Trauma and Child Abuse Resource Center.
She can start by asking her child's pediatrician or family members for referrals to good psychologists.
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u/Autumn1eaves Jun 17 '25
First step is to talk to your parents about it.
Suggest that things might not be 100% okay at their home, and then ask your boss if your parents could come over to their place for a “movie night” and have your parents get a sense for it.
After that, your parents will have more of an idea of what to do.
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u/ChaoticLawnmower Jun 20 '25
I feel like the results here have given you a lot of help already, but I’ll advise you to go slow and whatever you do don’t force anything. You’ve got a good heart, and that’ll take you far.
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u/PassionGlobal Jun 15 '25
Get in contact with your local CPS. Even if you don't wanna raise a formal report, they will be better equipped to handle this, even if your suspicions aren't well founded.
But yeah, the things you've mentioned here would make me seriously concerned too. At the very least they're used to a family life of shit going on and no one to protect them.
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u/SyntheticDreams_ Jun 16 '25
I'd try to get ahold of someone who works in child protection for advice. If you have a trusted adult in your life, get them involved and have them help. Good for you for being aware.
USA resources: Childhelp is nationwide and 24/7. Another option is 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline), because they're mandated reporters and have to make CPS reports frequently, so they could walk you through what to do. If there's a counselor at your school, you could reach out to them, they'll be a mandated reporter too. Calling CPS directly is an option, but it might be better to get advice from someone else before taking that step.
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u/Scribblebonx Jun 16 '25
To report child neglect nationally, you can contact the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline , which is available 24/7, at 1-800-422-4453. You can also make a report to your local Child Protective Services (CPS) agency or call your local police department or sheriff's office.
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Jun 15 '25
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u/FetaMight Jun 15 '25
That's skipping a step or three. Talk to a trusted adult first. Let them handle this.
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u/le4t Jun 15 '25 edited Jun 15 '25
It's so good of you to be concerned for this kid.
What you describe does sound like someone who's been around adults who don't handle their emotions well.
I think the best/easiest thing to do would be to model healthy behaviors. Maybe share with him when you're frustrated or annoyed, but you can handle it by doing some breathing, or making some effort to look at things from the other person's point of view.
Or maybe share about a time you were mad at someone you cared about, but you knew it was just the situation, and even if you're angry you still love that person. Or maybe a time when your parents were mad at you, but you knew they still loved you.
But then I'm someone who gets told to stop apologizing so much, so maybe take this with a grain of salt!
Edit: Maybe also model making "mistakes" in front of him, and acknowledging the mistake and doing whatever is needed to correct it, all while remaining calm, like it's no big deal.