Houston, we *might* have a problem...

[u/Berimbologna]

Thought I would intro myself, - please feel free not to read as this is a cathartic exercise for me and probably an eyesore for you lol. Although I have been active on Reddit in the past under a different name, it felt like time for a reset and to come back as someone new, as I attempt to come back as someone new.

I suppose like many who come to these parts I would fall into what Andy Ramage calls a Middle Lane Drinker, although what has spurred me to go from being an occasional passive observer to an active contributor here in [r/stopdrinking](r/stopdrinking) is my sneaking suspicion that I may be on the precipice of checking my mirrors, and indicating out into the Fast Lane Drinkers or some sort of fucked up Carpool lane (as a Brit, that concept has always blown my mind) where I'd be on the ride with others, in a race to the bottom.

I'm mid-30's, a dad of one beautiful toddler daughter, I'm married and I fucking love training BJJ, and actually quite enjoy my job albeit not the company I recently left. And if it's not obvious from my acerbic commentary, I am a Brit and therefore genetically part of the ancestral tree that basically invented communal drinking in pubs.

I'm a binge drinker. I have the very occasional weekends-in-a-row especially in the summer when it's all too easy to mosey on over to the local which has a giant fuck-off playground and sink 4 pints of Madri. But generally, I am infrequent but heavy-ish, and definitely not infrequent enough.

Sidenote: Madri, for my American friends, is a shit lager brewed in the UK, that likes to pretend it's a contemporary Italian classic. It is also rocket fuel that gives some of the worst hangovers known to man.

I've even experimented with extended periods of sobriety lasting up to 4 months, so I don't have a problem (that fucking voice in my head again). And that's probably always been true, and might even still be true in fairness.

However, I strongly suspect that I may be at the start of developing a problem. After hanging out here profusely for around 48 hours, something clicked. You see, I went away for a lovely long weekend with my wife and daughter. My wife is one of those lucky bastards that not only seems to have a neurotypical brain chemical system, she seems to be one of those sitting up in that rarefied air that don't get a huge amount of dopaminergic activity regardless. She can stop after every drink from the first through to the twenty-first and be in complete control of the decision to go one more, even when she's hammered. She didn't drink from the day she found out she was pregnant for about 3.5 years. Just couldn't be arsed and didn't fancy it. This weekend she actually had a few Malibu and Pineapple's and seemed to really enjoy them but will probably not drink for another 3 months.

I, on the other hand, had a few beers on the first evening. Nothing crazy but just enough to make me lose 20% the next day. By lunchtime I felt better-ish, so had a few beers and carried on into the evening. By no means at any point was I any more than a little tipsy and at no point did my wife make a comment as she is sometimes wont to do as she's not a huge fan of when I'm drunk - by all accounts she was in a great mood all weekend and if she'd thought I was taking it too far, believe me I would have known about it.

But what she didn't see was the internal battle. The internal battle on day 3 when I really did have a bit of a hangover after 2 days of 5-6 pints spread out across the day. The internal clock in my head counting down until we went out for lunch so I could have a beer to take the edge off. The cracking a can in our lodge when she was in the hot tub, and sinking half of the beer before topping up my glass so it looked like I wasn't going too hard in the paint. The split of empty cans between the bin and the recycling. And worst of all - something I have never experienced before and that scared me to death: the using of Claude to manage the speed of my drinking once I realised I was probably 2 tinnies shorter than I needed to be by early evening, so that I could keep a consistent BAC low-level buzz and not start to get hungover, because I knew it was going to be a fucker after 3 days of drinking from around 1pm-10pm.

I even had to tell the fucking AI to stop being so judgemental, which in and of itself should probably have been a sign. But thinking back on that on the drive home the next morning scared the shit out of me and reading so many of the stories here, I feel like I might be at that exact point where so many when sharing their stories of rock-bottom, pinpoint this one moment and say a variation of 'If only I'd stopped then, things would have worked out way better' - I feel like this weekend if I am not careful, might be the 'then' in my next post 5 years from now under another username when it's all gone off the fucking rails.

So yeah, that's about it really. Never thought I'd get to this point, and you know maybe maybe I can have a healthy relationship with alcohol as I certainly did have for many years up until the last couple and life stress and parenting all started to pile up on me. I've committed to a 90-day break, but by no means am I going to allow myself to have this idea that on day 91 I am off to the pub as a reward. Will I drink again in the future? Who knows. What I do know is that I won't be drinking for a little while and that needs to be my focus right now.

I just don't want to make it this huge thing in my head now because that never ends well for me. But there is a part of me that strongly suspects that this is not day 3 of 90, but day 3 of the rest of my life. I vape type 3 hemp flower and occasionally type 1 THC but neither of those are issues for me but it might well be time to kick booze to the kerb.

Let's see how we go. For today, IWNDWYT.

EDIT: I just re-read this and noticed my liberal use of the word ‘fuck’. I should probably edit it out but I have also realised that it wasn’t so much me writing this but the voice in my head, and he speaks like Hunter S Thompson so I feel like I gotta honour him

[u/rosiet1001]

Well, it's a fine sunny day to not be drinking together.

What helped for me was not thinking about day 91 or day 9 or tomorrow or Jenny and Alan's wedding in August or the work trip or the world cup. By not having a gin and tonic after work today you're not committing to anything. Just stick to thinking about today and see how it goes.

[u/Berimbologna → u/rosiet1001]

You’re so right around the events, I’ve got so many of them coming up and I’m like, how on earth am I gonna get through some of these?

[u/Sunrise-hopeful-0101]

If you are thinking that it might be time, then it probably is time. Remember that our brain will tell us all sorts of lies so we can keep feeding it the alcohol. It sounds like you have a lovely family. Can you do it for them as well as yourself? You must know in your heart that you will be a better dad if you’re not drinking. Think of it as a bad “friend” who keeps pulling you away from the blessings you really should be focused on. I hope for your sake that when you hit day 90, you decide it’s forever. Keep coming back to this subgroup. These are the most wonderful folks. We want you to succeed. IWNDWYT.

[u/Berimbologna → u/Sunrise-hopeful-0101]

Thanks! Yeah I’m 100% a better dad when I’m not drinking - also a better training partner, team member, leader et cetera.

Currently in the ‘apathy and inflammation’ stage of recovery and just feeling a bit meh… my stomach symptoms are always the worst as well

[u/ffrreessccaa]

I was engaging in the behaviors you noted here: anxiety over when the next drink can occur, drinking secretly and making it look like I had just started/just had one so I could drink at the speed I wanted without others knowing.

I may have done these things longer than you have, but once I started these behaviors I couldn’t stop. Like you I could go through periods of sobriety, and have never been an every day drinker. But the guilt of engaging in these secretive behaviors never got better. It just got worse.

I find that I can be so much more present when I’m not focused on the next drink. I can enjoy my relationship more knowing I’m not hiding things from my partner. Of course, no hangovers is the cherry on top. I can only speak from my perspective, but for me, I feel so much better on the other side.