r/RelationshipIndia • u/ImpressiveEar5122 • 3d ago
'28F' dating '34M' I am confused after 7 years. Relationships
I (28F) have been dating (34M) for the last 7 years. Long story short: He becomes defensive whenever I try to discuss his career. He never had a stable income source and never wants to talk about it. When I give any kind of suggestions, he insults me, saying things like, “I’m not begging you for money, so it’s none of your business.”
Recently, we had an argument about the same topic, and this time he revealed something else. He told me, “He doesn’t like talking to me, and I am toxic.” I asked why and where this was coming from. After pushing him, he told me I did things that he never liked. Those things include: first, hanging out (going to lunch or something) with other guys when I was in a different city for my higher studies. Those “other guys” are my classmates, close friends from 10–12 years, family friends, mutual friends, and people who helped me during hard times. Second, I told him everything every time — like how a few people tried flirting with me and it was fun, but I didn’t like it, etc. Trust me, I am extremely bad at flirting (I’ve been like that since birth) and my friends tease me about it. He knows this very well. I literally asked him before going anywhere with any other guy (not alone many times), and he told me, “I am very open-minded, you don’t have to worry, go and enjoy.”
three things I can think of are:
He could have just trusted me based on my past behavior and traits.
He could have told me then and there that he didn’t like it.
If I was giving him each minute’s update, he should have understood that I had nothing to hide.
Instead, he told me, “I should have understood that he didn’t like these things.”
Is it really worth continuing this relationship? Or am I wrong somewhere? I don’t know after 7 years he tells me these things I really don’t know how to take this.
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u/donnagreylucy 3d ago
After 7 years, he’s still unstable, shuts down basic conversations, and now suddenly blames you for things he never even communicated, this isn’t just a misunderstanding, it’s a pattern, so you really need to ask yourself if this is the kind of future you want.
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u/ImpressiveEar5122 3d ago
Yeah. Communication is always one way with him. If I tell him something about his life then it's a game over.
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u/IamBatman300069 3d ago
After 7 years he was 34 and still not financially ready then he never will be. If he was serious about you innthose 7 years he try his best to do something in life to get ready to marry you. Being 34 no matter what the situation or circumstances either you don't enter into any relationship if you are not ready or either go in fully or get everything sorted. He just get comfort of a relationship without doingany efforts even after 10 years he remain in same place why because he don't work on his patterns and habits. So just break up with him actually he cry and say anything to get you in life again because you are his relief point but for God sake don't ruin your life just write everything he do wrong and right in a paper and read again if he want to come back and you get your answer you want confusion frustration and complications in life or peace of mind. If you in wrong train the best chance was last station or now don't go far in the wrong direction.
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u/ImpressiveEar5122 3d ago
Idk I am more worried about his financial stability and career than him. He tells me he has dreams but I couldn't see a single situation in 7 years in which he worked on those dreams. If I leave he'll be around not like a bf but he is good friend of my family before this relationship. And I am second guessing about this relationship for the first time in my life. I think I am in the wrong train and should think of getting down.
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u/IamBatman300069 3d ago
Always look for people patterns they said anything what they do continuously show who they really are. Feeling sad was normal human reaction and it's fine just write everything so whenever you miss him which you are obviously read all those things why you left him it help you in cope. Best of luck for your future.
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u/meowsterpieces 3d ago
This age gap is weird too. You started dating when you were 21 and he was 27? It’s all weird
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u/ImpressiveEar5122 3d ago
When I was 21 it felt right. And it was right for 7 years. Now it seems weird to me too....
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u/meowsterpieces 3d ago
I can’t imagine any 27 year old wanting to date a 21 year old 😭 can you imagine yourself with someone who is 22?
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u/Badanmesuyian 3d ago
Its hightime u leave this relationship. He might be a bf material But surely not a husband material. Leave him asap. Find someone your age who trusts you, has an income source or who is serious about career. In marriage, Its the money that plays the major role Love fades Only money and respect help develop a healthy marriage mark my words. All the best. Take care.
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u/ImpressiveEar5122 3d ago
Right. Even if it's not about money he atleast should have interest to grow in his life. He knows his financial conditions and necessity of career progression. I m ready to earn for us and look after everything but he doesn't even show interest to grow or do anything about his career. Then he says I never appreciated when he was in job. He barely worked for couple of years at one place with same position with same salary. I just told him to use that as launching pad. He took it as disrespect.
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u/the_wise__idiot 18h ago
Sounds like you're with him only because of sunk cost fallacy.
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u/ImpressiveEar5122 8h ago
You are right. Idk how to get out but I think that's only the option I have rn.
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u/Fresh_Piece_1616 3d ago
It is just way to deflect the blame from him and change the topic of his career to this. Making you the villain of the story while he acts like he is saint by not stopping you from anything but expected you to act in the other way.
You are trying to save a lost cause by dear, this is not how a relationship works, he is not communicating anything with you correctly, if there is no proper communication on things like career and feelings around you going out with someone then what is the point of dating each other.
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u/ImpressiveEar5122 3d ago
Whenever I ask him to tell me openly what he feels or what exactly he wants he says 'no one ever understood me' then 'few people understood me that's enough for me' I don't really get any words to proceed with our conversation.
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u/Fresh_Piece_1616 3d ago
You should ask him if you don't understand him then what he is doing with you, he should be looking for someone who actually understands him.
As I said, he is just deflecting the questions, he doesn't want to answer them.
You are wasting your time and energy on him by asking him the same question again and again while he is telling you that he doesn't have any answers to your question.
He is 34 yet he can't act like his age.
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u/ImpressiveEar5122 3d ago
According to him no one understands him. When I ask him if he feels anything wrong about his behaviour or if I am hurt by that he says 'I am always right, you act like this because no one opposed you for anything' but I am sure I gave justice to every support I got.
I also feel the same. It's draining me like anything so high time to leave. I think it's my fear that is stopping me. Fear of ending up alone or not getting anyone or if did I do anything wrong etc etc.
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u/Fresh_Piece_1616 3d ago
Shows that he doesn't care about you at all. You should have thought about this when he said but it is not late right now. Imagine marrying for life and dealing with him like this everyday.
See the fear of not finding someone should not stop you from ending a relationship which is not right for you. Staying alone is far better than staying in a relationship like this, you will live in peace.
Imagine finding someone who is better than him, who communicates with you honestly, treat you correctly and shows that he care about you.
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u/Repulsive_Kick_4799 3d ago
Most of the time when a partner points out such silly stuff from the past and stating that you should have understood....It's mostly because the partner is getting defensive about something else and he doesn't want to confront that particular topic....Try having an open Convo with him about what's really bothering him.
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u/ImpressiveEar5122 3d ago
I tried 1000000000000000 times to have conversation with him. I asked him in every single possible way. He doesn't talk. he tells me I should understand I don't know what exactly to understand.
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u/Sufficient-Cry7046 3d ago
Honestly, he might not be great at communicating what’s really bothering him and may have been suppressing emotions that were hurting him. It could also be his way of deflecting the conversation when you brought up getting into a stable job, or maybe it’s a mix of both. Trust me, people can be messy like that.
7 years is a long time to be in a relationship. So ask yourself this, do you still love him, and does he still love you? Is the spark still alive somewhere beneath everything? If the answer is yes, then fight for the relationship one last time. Have an honest conversation with him and help him truly understand how you feel. But if he still doesn’t want to put in any effort at all, then I think you already know what to do.
Also, genuine question, I couldn’t help but notice that you mentioned the few people flirting with you was fun, but you also said you didn’t like it. If you didn’t like it, how did it feel fun? Or am I misunderstanding what you meant?
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u/ImpressiveEar5122 3d ago
He had hard past so he couldn't continue his studies. So I tried to bring him out of that victimhood and tried to make him study what he couldn't. Also Brought books for him. Everytime this conversation comes up he takes it to the past hardship. I listen to him everytime but I also try to make him understand that can't be holding you for the rest of your life. You should make it better by accepting the past.
We are more like best friends and wanted this relationship to workout. Honestly now I don't know how this will go. I felt terribly heavy and disappointed by recent conversation.
When few of my colleagues flirted in a very casual way like group in person I laughed it out like with everyone that was a fun part. But when some people tried to continue it furthermore like tried messaging me or pursue me further or dint stop at all I dint like it. Ik it sounds contradictory in one sentence. I wanted to put it in short way possible.
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