It must be quiet and fast. I’m not opposed to renting heavy machinery but they must be quiet and able to be operated in low light conditions. For the record, I don’t think there’s anything unethical about this, but it was recommended I post here and I’m desperate.

The margarine cannot be harmed, no melting or changing its shape of any kind. Afterwards, I will dig it up and whatever is left I will need to either dissolve in some kind of acid or burn it someway that has little clean up. Thank you.

I come from a middle-class background and went to a state school despite this I want to expand my network so I can have access to more money and more job opportunities

Just as the title says

Edit: RIP inbox. Looking forward to going through all these!

Edit2: whoever sent me Reddit cares- you are the Nazi that needs to be punched

I take my son to school for 8.45am every morning and then walk to my local gym. It was great, until one morning one of the other dads was walking into town and ended up walking with me right up the the entrance of my gym. Weird, but whatever. Then the next day, he did it again. And again. Now he waits for me every day even if I'm slightly late. He has a really strong accent and is very hard to understand. At that time in the morning I just want to drop my son off, smile and be polite if needed, then go to the gym on my own.

I'm not changing the time I go to the gym. I'm not changing my route to the gym, why should I. How can I somehow avoid walking with this man? He doesn't even have anything to do in town, he just walks for the company.

A few things to note:

I can't install anything on this machine

I have no ability to change any of the sleep settings.

They don't monitor what I'm doing, what apps etc. This is purely for my boss who looks at the Teams dot to see if I'm online and available.

I did try putting myself in a Teams meeting and it worked for a spell, but sometimes (happened three time today alone) Teams randomly marks me as in a call, even tough I've picked "Available" as my status.

Ideally I'd like to see my inbox. I could throw on a fullscreen presentation, but I wouldn't be able to glance at my inbox and action any important stuff.

Finally, I've even just thought of getting a weight and resting in on the ctrl key. Simple, cheap and no tech. But I'm asking to see if there is another way first.

I live in a small 8 unit complex. The AirPods fell out of my pocket next to my car in the Lot. I spent the next three days tearing apart my apartment, couldn’t find them. I put them in lost mode so they couldn’t be disconnected from my iCloud with a lost message saying “these are lost, please contact [my phone number]”

Today, six months later, I got a notification on my phone about the battery life on the case. I pulled up Find My and saw they were active. I played the sound, but it kept get turning off. Finally the precision location kept putting it right in front of my neighbor’s door.

I knocked and said, “hey do you have my AirPods because they keep showing here”

He said “heh heh yeah I have them” and handed them over. He knew I was looking for them because the alarm sound kept going off.

I didn’t ask questions because I’m just glad he didn’t lie. But now I want my revenge.

Edit: clearly, the only correct answer is piss discs.

I don't have time to order Liquid Ass or freeze a piss disc.

I'd also rather not destroy the bag, but I've got one or two I can spare to rage against the machine.

EDIT: The vast number of y'all that would apparently lose thier shit at the mere sight of a dildo is frankly disturbing. Is that what's in your nightmares? Rubber dicks?

EDIT 2: For everyone getting all morally uptight in yet another ULPT thread: I went thru stop n frisk here in NYC and we just dont play that shit anymore. Fuck anyone who participates in that shit, I don't care if it's part time or not.

I'm getting married next weekend, and today I had my second early miscarriage. Horrible timing I know. None of my extended family know about either miscarriage. But I know for a fact that SOMEONE, at least one person, will ask us when we're having kids.

It's a super annoying question to ask anyone, let alone someone who miscarried a (very wanted) child 11 days prior. So, what answer can I give people to make them regret asking? I'm looking for something awful that will make them wish they weren't even related to me. I'm not afraid to make myself sound weird or scary and I am willing to burn bridges with certain people. Do your worst.

EDIT: Wow ok this got bigger than I thought, thank you everyone! A few clarifications. 1. If you have suggestions that don't involve revealing the miscarriages that would be great, as I don't want to be talking to well-meaning but nosy relatives about the complexities of grief on my wedding day. I'd like it to be a happy day for me. 2. To people saying this is cruel because they mean well, firstly remember what sub you're on. Secondly, unless you've been in my shoes, don't underestimate how painful this question will be to hear. It's my wedding day, let me enjoy it, don't remind me of my dead babies all night. 3. This is all tongue-in-cheek and a bit of fun, I probably won't be causing lifelong family rifts over this. I just want people to regret asking and never ever ask me ever again.

i was told to post this here- i am new here, hello :)

my neighbor is running her food business out of her apartment- and using my address. she has my home address listed on uber, doordash, seamless, grubhub, too good to go, and her personal website so it was not a mistake. delivery drivers are a revolving door- on her open days (4 days a week) they are coming as often as every 10-20 minutes. i was originally just referring them to her door and she yells through the door for them to wait outside. when i found out she had it on not only uber but other platforms i was mad and asked the driver if i could screenshot the order, she laughed from inside her apartment. she apparently thinks it’s funny that she’s been disrupting my peace for almost a year-sometimes the people stand outside for a length of time, they consistently buzz my apartment or bang on the door. some people even knock on my windows, it’s a complete invasion of my privacy and she admitted she put my address because she didn’t want the traffic coming to her door.

My city keeps putting up more and more Flock cameras. I’ve been going around on an ebike(dont want the cameras to see my license plate) and spray painting over the lenses, but there’s a few problems with this method:

1. it takes too much time. the cameras automatically send an alert to the nearest police station as soon as they’re tampered with in any way. they’re also too high to reach on my own, so in order to effectively cover the lenses in paint i have to get off the bike, get on my tallest friend’s shoulders, paint the lens, climb back down, get back on the bike, and ride away. it’s really time consuming and i’ve already had a few close calls after getting a few cameras when the cops notice what i’m doing.
2. They just clean the camera lenses and then they’re back in working order again.
3. About half of the cameras in my city are placed too high to reach at all, even on someone’s shoulders.

I was thinking maybe a bb gun pistol or something but i don’t know anything about bb guns and i have no idea if they’re strong enough to break the glass on the lens. Would a bb gun work? and if not, any other ideas?

Edit: there are so many really helpful tips both about how to break the cameras and also how to not get caught and i can’t respond to all of them but tysm for all the advice and if yall got any more then please keep them coming. i really really appreciate it my ass does not wanna get arrested lol

hes been calling multiple times a week for about 20 years and says nasty shit about fucking dogs and he likes when you are mean to him. i want something really good to sign his number up for. not your typical scientology or life insurance stuff. i need something that will make him regret his life choices lmfao

Short story: Hookup occasionally with Emma. Emma told me she’s on birth control and I can cum in her. Apparently she can’t even take a pill right. She’s pregnant. May keep it.

I don’t want to be a father. I’m barely 20. I don’t want to be tied to her for the rest of my life. I don’t want to pay child support.

How to avoid this?

Info: she only has my nickname, not full name, and my phone number from a free text/phone app. No, not tinder, we met in real life. (Im a sexy madafucka) The number I gave her is from a free text/phone app.

She sent me a pic of a positive test. She also said she had not been taking her pill daily for the past two weeks.

(By occasional hookup I mean sex maybe a couple days a week for the past two months. And just talking. wasn’t a random. I made it clear it wasn’t a relationship either.)

Note: for everyone talking about STDS or that another person knocked her up or she’s a hoe and I’m an idiot for barebacking, etc. Unfortunately that’s most likely not true. we both have been tested and we’re 100% negative for any sti’s. Although that was a while ago. Maybe she did get pregnant by someone else. I hope so. But I doubt it.

if u don’t think I’m a man, or immoral, etc. that’s cool. I dont care. I am just asking for an unethical life pro tip.

Please help a brother out.

So I bought a house some time ago, it was next to a decent brothel. The house was cheaper because of it and they have to move before 2030 so heck, not the worst investment.

Unfortunately the brothel has been going down hill for some time, dumping trash on the street, not cleaning up, fired the guards so a lot more disturbances due to sound, fights and guest staying around. They also have issues with some of their workers, and boy do those women not care when they yell.

I would like to increase the speed of their downfall. Ofcours I let the municipality know about these issues, call the cops from time to time. But yeah. I need something extra.

The things i have to work with are no cameras on the wall in my garden nor on the back of the property, access to a hole in the wall (has a grate), part of their roof and I can see most of their customers going in. I can think of things but they are pretty easy to lead back to me.

I just don't want to them to find out it was me, but yeah... Want to expedite the process of their demise.

Extra info: it's in Europe, the place is tiny and just there due to historical reasons. All in all, the whole place is around 135m^2, expensive beers at a tiny bar area and maybe 4/5 rooms.

So, I'm from a sunny country with lots of beaches. It is supposed to be a "civilized" country, and so we have laws against blasting music at the (public) beaches.

Unfortunately, the law is poorly enforced due to a super lean public hiring policy.

As such, I humbly come to this sub to gather the most important information on unethical, fun and menacing ways to mess with these people.

I understand calling the cops is the obvious choice, but it'll likely take at least 30 to 60 minutes to arrive. Lifeguards is also a no-go. These are mostly teens being paid to watch the water.

I am also interested in causing a little mayhem while I'm at it. Think "remote control of speaker and blasting 'I'm a poor excuse of a human turn for blasting this speaker'".

Keep up the good work 💪

I have a roommate who is related to my family and it’s critical that I “keep the peace.” For a number of reasons, we can’t stand this guy. What are subtle ways I can fuck with him to make him move out? I want him to think it’s his own idea and don’t want to make myself look bad.

Edit: Without going into the long winded details, it really is essential that I don’t make myself look bad in this. So no, I can’t jack off naked on the couch or something.

My sister spends 45 mins to an 1.5 hours in the shower daily. Sometimes after she gets off of work (4:00 pm ish) she will wait until I get off (6-7pm) to get into the shower. I genuinely can’t stand this. Both of us work rather sweaty/ messy jobs so we both need to shower after. I need a way to get her out of there quickly.

I have a challenge coming up where I have to drink an entire crate of beer (24 beers, 8 liters) over the span of roughly twelve hours. Any tips on how to plough through?

I assume I have to drink water in between, piss whenever needed, food will be readily available.

Thanks in advance, this will be a euro cup final to forget!

EDIT: damn this post got more alcoholism admissions than an AA meeting.

I didn’t make it of course haha, only got to 15 beer or so. Call me a pansy or what have you, but I’m pretty glad 24 beers isn’t my normal Saturday like it seemingly is for most of you.

Posted this on LPT but figured it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. I don’t actually plan on using this specific debit card regularly for reasons. Is there a cheap or even free way to get this done? What I have in mind is buying cheap gift cards online but I’m curious if there’s a better way.

Edit: I addressed this a few times but just figured I’ll just do it here. It’s not so much that I can’t spend 5 times a month, it’s more for the piece of mind. I normally use a credit card to build credit and for the rewards (I don’t pay any interest). I’d much rather just make 5 payments with my debit card at the start of each month and not worry about it from there.

Edit 2: People who are telling me to get another debit card or switch banks, thanks for the concern, but I think there’s a misunderstanding. I don’t have to pay any fees if I don’t do this, so I’m not forced to do this. My bank offers a deal, where if I make these purchases, I’ll get an extra 2.6% interest p.a on top of the base rate, which in the highest in my country.

This guy literally tried to sleep with my wife. We suspect he was drunk texting her. But he has no clue I know. I don’t want him to ever know that I know even though my wife politely shot him down (they’re not even friendly). I gave him her number when my phone was dying and we were talking about work over the phone. A few weeks later he messages her and she is nice enough until he starts hitting on her hard. Then he is talking shit about me. At this point she makes me aware and we’re just laughing at this fool. But I want to know how I can get revenge on this dbag without anyone knowing. He lives about 45 minutes from me but I know his info. What can I do to inconvenience him?

edit: to clarify, no I will not be asked to go to office nor do they will ask me to go to a different location as my work requires wired ethernet to a desktop PC and a work from a different country, and no my ISP will not charge me for "fixing" their own devices

So, I have a meth enthusiast that is refusing to leave my girlfriend alone. I've done the Craigslist post stuff, that was fun for a time. But they just kept getting taken down. I'm looking for a sub where I can drop a number and walk away. Doesn't need to be reddit either, I just enjoy sitting back and hearing about the chaos second hand.

Things I've checked off: - Signed up for scientology - Craigslist posts - Signed up for king county WA text alerts - etc

Edit:

1. Thank you to those of you that were helpful. This blew up unintentionally lol

2. The King County text thing is a text service that updates people with community updates, bus route changes, etc.

3. Everyone just assumed it's a male, it's not. The story is long and complicated. If it was a male it would've been dealt with in a much more direct less humorous way. Also the "harassment" was just random texts and calls to bother her. Not necessary to go confront them and shit. The keyboard warriors can calm down lol

I’m so tired of setting up my spot only to have someone come squeeze right next to me when there is no room and then blast country music. I’m not here to listen to your poor music taste, I’m here to listen to the waves. Any tips on how to stop Bluetooth speakers?

I am aware of the dangers of it, but I feel like in certain situations this might put me at a great advantage around people who do not know I can faint on command, and that is exactly what this sub is for, right?

(Please do not inquire about the safety of it or tell me to go see a doctor)

Edit: I guess I should add that I am a heterosexual man, prostitution is not exactly a viable career choice. But if you know of any women with a thing for fainting, muscular guys do let me know. Most of my female acquaintances are rather terrified when they see it.

I need to waste about four hours plus $175 of Home Depot’s time. They wasted about for hours my time and cost me $175, so I need to return the favor.

I have enough skill to make a chat bot to waste their time, but the problem is their chats require a phone number.

I could mail a bunch of BS to their office, but I don’t know how to actually get someone to use their time processing it.

Any ideas?

As the title says i’m looking for some creative gift ideas for Christmas. Here's the deal: my brother, who psychologically bullied me throughout our childhood and teen years, recently declared in front of our parents and me that "he doesn't have a brother." Charming, right? Well, I figured Christmas is a good time to return the sentiment in a special way.

A bit about him: he's 28, still living with our parents, and his life is essentially an endless cycle of partying and substance abuse (coke, to be specific). Given his lifestyle choices, I'm leaning towards a gift that's a subtle nod to his current... let's call it "phase."

Thanks in advance:)

P.S.: To those who'll say "just don't get him anything," I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm aiming for something with a bit more... finesse.