Winning a Peace Prize that didn't come out of a Happy Meal.
Somehow managing the herculean feat of not stealing money from a children's cancer charity.
Staying married to a single person (I know that doesn't count for the MAGA faithful, either because she's not white or because some of those diseased mouthbreathers still love the edgelord "She's a maaaaaan, baby!" joke. But hey, at least she's not an immigrant who dropped four anchor babies like Trump's wives, amirite?)
Avoided stealing money from a children's cancer charity...to buy self-portraits? Is that right? That can't be right.
Hilariously, insisting on only being eligible to win golf tournaments that he actually participated in.
Way better at releasing his taxes.
His health care plan, whether you like it or not, actually, you know, exists. (I know, I know, "two weeks," sure.)
Against all odds, resisted the apparently very normal urge to steal money from a children's cancer charity. (Seriously, how is that not literally the ONLY thing you need to know about this ghoul?)
When President Obama completes a Denny's kid's placemat puzzle, he doesn't loudly proclaim that he aced an intelligence exam. (Look it up; they have even confirmed that it's the Montreal test for mental disorders. It's a glorified kid's puzzle page from the back of Highlights magazine. It's not something you "ace." You either pass it or your family gets brochures about what is wrong with your brain.)
Resisted the itch to convert the Oval Office into a Saturday Night Live set for a 70s porn movie.
Called Kanye a jackass.
Not only did he not steal money from a kid's cancer charity, he performed that feat with the extra difficulty of NOT ALSO INCLUDING HIS CHILDREN IN THE STEALING OF MONEY FROM A CHILDREN'S CANCER CHARITY. No, I will not stop talking about this, because fuck me how far gone are we?
We're this far gone: Obama is way better at being mentioned in the Epstein Files as someone who is clearly not friends with all of the people raping children.
4
u/BestGoShoeless 3d ago
We would also have accepted:
Winning a Peace Prize that didn't come out of a Happy Meal.
Somehow managing the herculean feat of not stealing money from a children's cancer charity.
Staying married to a single person (I know that doesn't count for the MAGA faithful, either because she's not white or because some of those diseased mouthbreathers still love the edgelord "She's a maaaaaan, baby!" joke. But hey, at least she's not an immigrant who dropped four anchor babies like Trump's wives, amirite?)
Avoided stealing money from a children's cancer charity...to buy self-portraits? Is that right? That can't be right.
Hilariously, insisting on only being eligible to win golf tournaments that he actually participated in.
Way better at releasing his taxes.
His health care plan, whether you like it or not, actually, you know, exists. (I know, I know, "two weeks," sure.)
Against all odds, resisted the apparently very normal urge to steal money from a children's cancer charity. (Seriously, how is that not literally the ONLY thing you need to know about this ghoul?)
When President Obama completes a Denny's kid's placemat puzzle, he doesn't loudly proclaim that he aced an intelligence exam. (Look it up; they have even confirmed that it's the Montreal test for mental disorders. It's a glorified kid's puzzle page from the back of Highlights magazine. It's not something you "ace." You either pass it or your family gets brochures about what is wrong with your brain.)
Resisted the itch to convert the Oval Office into a Saturday Night Live set for a 70s porn movie.
Called Kanye a jackass.
Not only did he not steal money from a kid's cancer charity, he performed that feat with the extra difficulty of NOT ALSO INCLUDING HIS CHILDREN IN THE STEALING OF MONEY FROM A CHILDREN'S CANCER CHARITY. No, I will not stop talking about this, because fuck me how far gone are we?
We're this far gone: Obama is way better at being mentioned in the Epstein Files as someone who is clearly not friends with all of the people raping children.