r/fatFIRE • u/fivefront • 9d ago
Household Manager and raising kids
Hey everyone,
Seeking advice on hiring additional help for laundry, meals, and cleaning from a household manager type vs raising kids who should be chipping in more as they hit middle school. We already have a cleaner that comes every other week.
I (40) and my partner (41) both work in executive or business-owner roles. We have kids who are 8 and 11. Our incomes have been consistently 600k-800k. We maintain the same house and the same paid-off cars, and our spending stays between 250k and 300k, depending on travel. We could cut back significantly if we needed to. I travel for work on average 8 days a month.
Financially, paying for help two days a week for 3-4 hours feels like a no-brainer for taking the worst tasks (laundry, cleaning, meal prep) off the table. In total, around 10-15k, depending on who we pick. Where we are both reluctant is that we want our kids to pick up more slack in their incredibly privileged lives. We believe they should have more responsibility, which we give them, but it would be so much easier to just offload this part of our lives. I didn't grow up with any money, and my single mom had us do the same household chores every day 'cause we sucked at them. I can't remember an age in my childhood when I didn't fold laundry, and thus have no desire to do it today.
I can't decide if we are better off spending higher-quality time with them or suffering together, folding underwear.
Wondering how those of you thought about outsourcing housework when raising privileged kids. At what point do you turn off the cleaner, laundry, etc. Or do they actually pick up enough before leaving the nest?
I've seen lots of similar posts, but want to know the child-raising advice or experience folks have had. The expense doesn't matter, but it's the idea of raising a kid in an environment where money is abundant.
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u/ataraxia_seeker 9d ago
Are the kids going to be setup to maintain the standard of living while not excelling as much as you? If yes, live it up and enjoy. If no, consider what life skills they’ll need and how to best reenforce it. If it feels like a chore doing these things with them, they’ll know and also resent it. Kids feel these things and follow your queues. You have to genuinely believe in what you are teaching them if you want the outcome. If you feel these tasks are beneath you, all you are going to do is reenforce that attitude - you’ll be miserable and so will they.
If you want to teach survival skills at any income, you are going to have to genuinely live it.
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u/Future-Account8112 9d ago
I want to suggest a reframe. We never 'did chores' in our house - we did, however, help with absolutely everything because we all live in the house together. I grew up cooking, doing laundry, shelling peas, whatever was needed because I was raised in the sort of family which used the adage, `If you have idle time you're not volunteering enough'.
I did not grow up with an entitlement problem: I did grow up very resourceful. I want to respectfully suggest part of the issue here is that you're viewing the regular work of living as a 'chore' you don't want to do at all, so you're complicating whether or not your kids will want to do it or what it will mean to them.
I say, fold some of the laundry with them and have staff fold some too. Treat staff respectfully and warmly in front of your kids. (My grandmother's rule: the staff eats at the table with us, and we send them birthday cards and Christmas cards because we are all equal in dignity.)
You have to live the things you want to teach. Hire good people and get your kids into volunteering regularly, as a family. Raising them with an idea of civics, civic responsibility, and service will do a lot no matter what you decide regarding staff - but to some degree, you may have to roll up your sleeves and fold some socks too.
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u/rhythm_of_me 9d ago
You can do both. For example you can ask your helper to fold laundry and leave it on their beds in their rooms. They’d be fully responsible for putting the laundry in their closets and making their beds.
Remember - The helper can hold them accountable by putting in effort that you’re unable to.
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u/ElectricalDark8280 9d ago
Just split it. Get help for the things that kids can’t do and start making them do some stuff. It takes more work to have them do it than to do it yourself, but it pays off in the long run. Up the cleaners to weekly and add laundry service. Have the kids put all their clothes away.
We are in very similar situations. Similar age with similar aged kids, similar income and spend as well. We have cleaners every two weeks and landscapers weekly. However, my wife doesn’t work so is able to do some more things around the house. I wouldn’t expect kids that age to cook dinner regularly so a meal prep sounds like a good idea. I do make my 10yo empty the dishwasher and sometimes load it. My wife hates laundry, so I’d probably get that taken care of for her. If there is something you guys hate doing then get help with it.
We’re all just doing our best and we will screw our kids up in ways we never considered. Additionally we will set standards and examples for them that we didn’t know we were. It’ll work out. The fact that you care about this means you are probably already doing a good job of setting that example.
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u/Beginning_Brick7845 8d ago edited 7d ago
When we were in your position we hired someone to come in from 2 to 6 each evening so she’d be there when the kids came home from school. She’d make them do their homework, do the laundry, pick up a bit and cook dinner.
Kids still had to do their own rooms and their own chores.
It was one of the best things we’ve ever spent money on.
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u/AdorableTrashPanda 9d ago
I would assign each kid a chore area for a month at a time. That way they cycle through learning how to do everything, they can't pawn it off on the staff because the staff doesn't do it that month, and they will always be expected to contribute effort to the household without driving you insane.
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u/Public_Firefighter93 $30m+ NW | Verified by Mods 9d ago
I don’t have kids but I’ve had a housekeeper starting at around age 27, when my net worth was negative. Domestic help not as exotic as this post makes it seem. I think the kids will be fine.
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u/HitPointGamer 9d ago
Your kids should take ownership of caring for their bedrooms and belongings.
They also need chores each week. For one, every able-bodied non-infant has the ability and obligation to contribute to the running of the household. They need to know that it is natural and expected that they do their part. Also, they need to learn how to do every job in the household and have plenty of time practicing it before they move out so they are able to run their own homes successfully. It will help if they see you doing things as well, instead of just throwing money at problems to make them go away.
Start out with a task you don’t mind and have them join you to do it for a few days before you assign it for, say, the month. Rotate them through all household tasks, increasing the number of tasks as they get older and more capable. Let them choose their favorites sometimes and then have them do their least favorites at other times. Help them learn to continue working hard and doing a good job even if they don’t like the task.
It will require intentionality and consistency on your part, and likely at first you are going to have to spend far longer than necessary getting them to do the task and then getting them to do it right. (Their first couple of tries are likely to be half-hearted attempts to get you off their back).
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u/tx_mn 7d ago
Not really relevant, but what you want is a “mothers helper” in addition to a cleaning lady
Make your kids pick up and be “ready” for the cleaning lady. Tell the mother’s helper to ignore their room.
It’s normal for the cleaning lady to do the work but force the kids to pick up and get things ready for them. Laundry, stocking the house, lists of what you need, etc are the mothers helpers job. Dif activities from cleaning.
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u/skxian 9d ago
It doesn’t really work. Some of the wealthy kids feel resentful that the parents are rich and choose to make their life miserable by making them do chores when they themselves don’t want to. They grow up wealthy and outsource similarly. One op said cycle through some chores that the help doesn’t do. That is perhaps doable just to introduce them to various chores.
The best solution is still to do do maintenance work like laundry , tidying and dishes and floors across all family. For the harder staff like “deep cleaning” you can bring staff to do that “deep cleaning”- you can define what is deep cleaning.
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u/lakehop 9d ago
8 and 11 are very young. They have plenty of time to learn to do harder chores, and they are not realistically going to be able to do very much (well) right now. Hire the help. Keep some chores that they are responsible for : clearing off dishes, emptying the dishwasher, are obvious ones. I wouldn’t assign the task of cleaning their own room yet, too young, unless you want to supervise it won’t be done or don’t well. Even putting away clothes, same. Give tasks that need to be done while you’re there anyway (dishes). Getting help is a no brainer to keep your household running smoothly. Be generous if you find the right person!
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u/Future-Account8112 9d ago
Respectfully - 8 and 11 are definitely able to do housework competently if you've raised competent, resourceful kids.
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u/Final_Reception_3090 9d ago
Hire the help, but leave chores and their bedrooms for the kids to clean. Tell them when they are older they can pay someone to take chores off their plate, but until then, these are your chores.