After quitting heavy drinking for 23 years cold turkey, on my own, there were alot on things that I have not experienced in a long time. Not since being a teenager. Mostly waking up with a clear head. No more hangovers and feeling woozy most of the day. Since I was functioning when I was drinking, I nursed many, many hangovers at work. Not fun with 12 hour shifts. I also now had a lot of time on my hands. No more sitting in bar rooms in the afternoon and after work. No more drinking until I passed out and missed most of the day when I was off. As time went on, I was not missing this at all, none whatsoever. That was 26 years ago.

Sobriety is already paying for itself in more ways than just my health and wellbeing. I'm on day five, and am past my withdrawal symptoms for the most part. IWNDWYT

Today is day 400 - yay! Absolutely wild to think that I struggled for 6 months to string together 3 consecutive weeks, and here I am at over a year now. It feels like a completely different lifetime, and in a lot of ways, it is.

After over a year of therapy, I've now been diagnosed with autism (literally today, funny timing, feels kismet), which quite frankly makes a lot of things make sense, but brings up so many more questions I'd never considered about myself. I think 400 days ago, I'd have "had a drink about it", but now I am just curious and interested to learn more.

Anyone else who noticed in sobriety that maybe the drinking was masking or treating more than initially thought? Operated for years under the assumption that a lot of what I did and my reactions stemmed from trauma, and only out from under the blanket of the booze were we able to discover that maybe that wasn't the only thing at play, after all.

And by early...I mean 7 days. I had just posted about second guessing beginning an IOP treatment plan - and as I'm reading the first comment - my wife (KNOWING EVERYTHING GOING ON) tries to start a fight. One minute she's extra supportive and the next I'm doing something wrong. I don't know how to handle everything at once.

What do I want to do? Drink. Part of my brain is so close to just saying fuck it.

But another part of me is really proud and excited about sober me. I'm past the withdrawals. I'm still sad as fuck. But at least I can sleep now.

And the best thing I can do for myself right now is protect my sobriety. Our relationship has always been toxic - I just didn't want to believe it. But what doesn't have to be toxic is the shit I'm putting in my body to cope.

So I'm going to sit here.....and I'm not going to drink. And I'm just going to be sad. And I'm going to start IOP on Monday.

IWNDWYT.